A group of UFO believers from across the Anglican Communion will be at the Lake District next weekend to spread a message of enforcement.
The Anglican Office for Unity, Faith and Order (UFO) will meet 'The Old Man of Coniston', Lord Melvyn Baggage, on one of the 19 mountains across the world charged by Archbishop Straker, the founder of the office, using his Mastercard.
Given that he has paid the price, and contacted Jesus about it, and lectured Buddha, others can now walk on the hill to spread unification energy all over the world. The other eighteen hills around the world were charged by Access.
While Jesus and Buddha came from earth, it is believed that Archbishop Straker is an extra-terrestrial, and speaks a language no one on the planet really understands. His prophetic utterances have to be interpreted by Bishop N. T. Freeman, who stands on top of mountains bellowing at the top of his voice. People in the Lake District are said to be "fed up with the racket" that can be heard as far away as Bishop Auckland and its spooky castle.
Church groups often travel with their priests up and down these charged features, including having a go up and down with The Old Man of Coniston. Some groups experience cleansing and rebirth, along with Melvyn, who is 2,635ft tall, by having a dip in Windermere.
Melvyn Baggage tells visitors how he himself was charged in 1958, shortly before he started presenting The South Bank Show, the arts programme described as "the exception that proves the rule" - that ITV is devoted to hours and hours of crass culture.
Melvyn, who therefore stays in London, where he uses his Lake District energy to write sexually charged novels, still returns regularly to find out the best bits of grass for his characters to have a good hump. He did a good one on BBC television about an older banker and a young woman, and she ended up going back in time to the lost East End of the 1940s to be met by a married Dipstick from the contemporary East End, before then quitting to move to Ireland and being pestered by a Roman Catholic priest and quitting there to emerge as the temporary Controller of the alien Cybermen. Melvyn Baggage said that the Anglican UFO Office contacted him and wants to meet to ask him to make sure that his novels remain heterosexual in character, even if outside the boundaries of marriage.
"They asked me if I would change my name, and become 'The Old Man of Covenant', but I said this would alter my personality too much. I think they want to ask me this again." Melvyn stated further: "We all start as children, you know, and this is the basis of all my novels, that we grow up and then get a bit frisky as we get turned on by the naughty bits. If you go up and down with me in the Lake District, then the hills and lakes and fresh air make you quite randy, giving that extra special energy. It is better than fighting one another. I am a lover not a fighter, a lover and not a quitter, just like my iconic political friend Lord Mendelstone. We have to stop being backwards. I'm happy to meet, but I cannot assure the Anglican UFO that I will stay within its boundaries of desire; I have though suggested that they also contact Jeanette Winterlesbee-Ann for the next time she goes to Buttermere. I appreciate that the UFO thinks we lack intelligence and that this is a backward planet, because some people like the same naughty bits that they possess themselves, but the Office actually might be a bit thick itself on these matters. It probably needs some help."