Final ACC Interview for Anglican Satellite Television

Archbishop Roald See O'Vee (RSV): Well, tomorrow is another day and the parousia hasn't come yet and we like to do things in threes so here is our final interview for Anglican Satellite TV. I'd like to introduce...

Canon Haton Coaton (HC): I think we'll skip the introductions, Archbishop; some of us have homes to go to. Refer to previous interviews; anyone new here will be introduced.

Archbishop RSV: Well let me just say how I value Canon Haton Coaton for his abilities in planning, manipulation, deception - when you are not a Pope then direct management has to be replaced by the skilful manipulation of meetings.

Bishop Mountain Ear Lobeanusse (MEL): Just what happened yesterday? You know what we wanted, and we didn't get it.

Archbishop RSV: I was concerned that...

Canon HC: Oh welcome to Bishop mountain-ear-lobe-ann-use. We first decided to first remove the disciplinary section 4, and would have put that to the Provinces to get them to agree. Otherwise too many would not have agreed.

Bishop Mountain Ear Lobeanusse (MEL): I was against that because I wanted the whole Covenant to go out, and why we voted against. But what we wanted to vote for was the whole thing. Enough time has been spent on the preparation, and let's get people joining it.

Canon HC: So then we kept section 4 in, as you wished, but with a provision for revising section 4 for six months, and sorry but that vote was just carried.

Bishop Mountain Ear Lobeanusse (MEL): And we could have had an extra moratoria on not having legal action in the courts. TEC was against that too.

Canon HC: Welcome to Presiding Bishop Jenny Washers Seashore, who has been a major part of these meetings and whom we are glad to welcome to the third interview or conversation really.

Bishop Jennifer Washers Seashore (JWS): We are autonomous and do not have to accept anything that is going on here, but to have half a chance of us accepting anything you will have to wait a long time and we shall combine this with what we do anyway, having extensive talk and more talk as we see fit. We will not have dioceses declaring a unilateral declaration of independence, and give not an inch to those who are creating this competition to our Church after having to put up with the broken moratorium of border crossings. And we have quite a bit of support, starting with our Mother Church, the Scottish Episcopal Church but extending to anyone who wishes to hang on to Anglican breadth and a reasonable way of doing theology.

Dr. Carol Polydecker (CP): Can I just say...

Canon HC: Welcome to Carol Polydecker from the Anglican south that is more like the Global North.

Dr. CP: ...that what we want to see is the inclusion of all types of people in the big Anglican family, that we can intelligently look at scripture and tradition and not have to take what just seems to come off a page from a different culture, that we can employ our reason, and that the whole connection with patriarchy ought to be loosened and I don't see how this Covenant helps with this quest. Where is the social justice in this Covenant? Surely it helps with maintaining social injustice. We are but one with baptism, and we all receive baptism. Why can't the literalists use the language of love? Where is its encouragement for a responsive and radically visionary leadership? Where is its praise for an abundant, mysterious, extraordinary, complex and stunningly beautiful creation in all its myriad forms? For we are on a quest across the seas like the ancient peoples forever travelling to new shores, setting ourselves up, reproducing and moving on, encountering new species and something like that anyway.

Archbishop Diesel Addams (DA): Are you finished? Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle and not the Church I want to inhabit. Archbishop, let's get down to the nitty gritty. You could have argued for this Covenant, Archbishop. It was your Covenant to campaign for: look what you said in 2006! Now, I started this meeting by saying this Covenant had to be passed to the Churches, the time is urgent. We could have had a resolution to send the whole thing out as one thing, as worked on by Dr Art Tickle Righter and me, but bit by bit I conclude that I will have to carry on consecrating people who are going to cross boundaries and develop international oversight. Why bit by bit? Because first of all we limited Churches to members of the ACC, to exclude all those fine men I was involved in consecrating, and then we exclude dioceses - what about those Windsor Compliant dioceses you once encouraged, Archbishop? Meaningless signing from them only! And even now we delay in order to tamper with the one part that did some disciplining. You were the one, Archbishop, who promoted the idea of moving towards an Anglican Church - in that direction. Now we hardly even have a Communion.

Bishop JWS: Let's be clear. The Anglican Communion is not a Church. It is a Communion of bonds of friendship, though it seems friendship is in short supply.

Doctor Stephen Niall N. Coffin (SNNC): Unique among my colleagues I have come back to this gathering simply to say I have withdrawn my support for this Covenant. Now that I cannot get my type of Church in first, now that we cannot use a section 4 as part of the integrity of membership - because it will get watered down - then my recent arguments are busted and Nasser Alley has got one over me. The only Covenant of any use is the one that could be produced by the Global South, that is GAFCON in alliance with the others who so far are a bit reluctant to trust GAFCON and its secretive preparations for decisions.

Archbishop RSV: And what use will that Covenant be? Do you think they - those aligning with Bishop Washers Seashore - will accept that?

Doctor Stephen Niall N. Coffin (SNNC): It would be designed so that they do not.

Archbishop RSV: I have been trying to keep everyone together, talking and listening. You forget that we decided to keep the listening process going for ever onwards. I was concerned that...

Bishop Mountain Ear Lobeanusse (MEL): I'm a bit deaf, Archbishop. I only hear what I ought to hear, and people in Egypt are very shy.

Canon HC: You forget that the Covenant still exists and is still being discussed. It is designed to include those who are inclusive and value autonomy and those who value becoming more like a worldwide Church; for those who cannot accept gay bishop consents nor gay blessings, and those who see the Spirit moving them to new ways of being Christian; and it is not designed to see non-signatories of the Covenant excluded from any of the Instruments of the Communion, however weak or strong they happen to be from time to time. So all we are doing - and the right people will be on the committee to do this - is looking at the Covenant section 4 to neuter it further to be consistent with what I have just said.

Archbishop RSV: What would I do without you?

Canon Scot Wales (SW): Or me, Archbishop? I mean, I look fat and neanderthal but really I am a fully advanced bureaucrat about to retire into bishoping. Notice how we say that because some people would say bi-shopping, and we Anglicans cannot approve of bi-shopping.

Archbishop RSV: You are my cuddly colleague, Scot.

Canon Philip Crumb Monarch Bootslick (PCMB): That is praise indeed, Scot, and I do hope I can receive such praise when I am a bishop.

Archbishop RSV: I have already expressed my approval for you, that I don't have to ask you to stand down. I pat you on your head for such unswerving loyalty. Well it is time to bring this to an end, until the next time, and the next, and the next. Keep the people talking, that's what I say. We hope that in bringing these discussions, and some events, to Anglican Satellite Television that we have been able to show some behind the scenes activity of the Church we call Anglican...

Bishop JWS: It is not a Church.

Archbishop RSV: Oh. Umm. Well. Oh I'm fed up with this. What's the... What is the point? Don't you just, once, ever think, really, just once, that I don't get fucking fed up with you lot, the lot of you here and you lot out there, the whole bloody lot of you, you despicable bunch of cats scratching each other's eyes out, you vicious ever manipulating so called...

Canon PCMB: Archbishop! Would you like to calm down with some lovely AffCaff, Archbishop?. Here, have my mug - cup of peace - Archbishop.

Archbishop RSV: What a lovely gesture. Is it still warm?