The English Counter-Reformation

Following the takeover of the Church in England by the Roman Catholic Church, the new Archbishop of Anglicanism, The Most Reverend Vince Hill, today announced its complete Holy Restoration from Reformation into an English Counter-Reformation through a series of Societies and Papal Ordinariates for those who are of various Anglican patrimonies. After this, the Church in England will be closed down completely.

The Society of Saint Newman continues as the Personal Ordinariate of those priests considered by Pope Benny as entirely compatible with the new outlook of Rome under Pope Benny. These are those Anglican priests and congregations originally Rome orientated who have come over with their wives and sometimes congregations. Only those who have shown continued orientation towards the culture of Romanised Anglicanism can marry and then join its seminaries.

However, this has left two main groups identified by the Holy See, that of the Affirming Catholics and other Liberals, and that of the Puritan Evangelicals and other Evangelicals.

The adapted Uniate model on the Personal Ordinariate basis will be used for so called Affirming Catholics and other Liberals in the new regime. This will be a Personal Unitariate under The Society of Saint Orchard, named after the recently sainted once Congregationalist Free Catholic who became Roman Catholic and had worked alongside J. M. Lloyd Thomas, the Unitarian Free Catholic, in recognition of the Pope's view of the dodgy nature of these folks' actual beliefs despite their apparent subscription to the Creeds. Anglicans who value the Broad Church outlook, liberality and Affirming Catholicism will come into this Society, again one that can be headed by priests. Although the former Archbishop Rowan Tree, now simply Rev. Rowan Tree (because he is married) is tipped to be the new leader of this group, there is considerable opposition because of his ethical abandonings while he was Archbishop of Anglicanism. All the once ordained women will be Deaconesses, a lay order called the Order of R. J. Campbell, and will be granted the right to run Sunday Schools, if there are any.

Then the Pope (for it is always the Pope - he is very busy, despite his age) decided that the new once Evangelical based grouping will be a mainly lay body on a Personal Ordinariate basis again, this time a Personal Lactate, not under a Saint's name (recognising Evangelical sensitivities), called the Society of Oak Hill Creamery. He rejected submissions to use the name Wycliffe, although he does enjoy the detective series reruns on ITV 3. In this, there will be a structure of lay Ministers and Superintendents allowed to run the Society, but only those identified as compatible with the former Bishop of the South, Graham Monarch, will be eligible for re-ordination and thus the number of Masses said will only be about four times a year within the Society. The Supreme Superintendent is expected to be the Rev. Lord Cudden Careyless. The rest of the worship observance will be sing-songs from overhead projectors and lots of shouting. Whilst members will be generously allowed to read out the once constructed Thirty-nine Articles, they will have no place in Church doctrine, and the Book of Common Prayer will have some naughty bits removed. Of course those who do not like this arrangement are perfectly free to go and form their own Church, which is what many of them were doing when they were Anglicans anyway. In a magnificent act of Papal reconciliation, Protestant and Catholic martyrs will all be recognised as martyrs in equalabrio parsethemoney, Elizabeth I and Henry VIII will continue to be ex-communicated.

All reordained priests are expected to work outside of their societies carrying out ordinary Roman Catholic services to those churches and congregations currently without a priest, which means most of them.

In getting its long lost property back, and thus increasing its asset base as well as its workforce, the Holy See announced that it is rebuilding Fountains and Rievaulx Abbeys as part of this English Holy Restoration, and will people them with some former Anglican monks and nuns, and again only men will be re-ordained as once again they start to keep sheep. This announcement includes a Papal Bullshit on the merging of the Shrines at Walsingham into one; the current Ordinariate shrine will thus be part of one shrine, just as there is only one Mary.

The Rev. Rowan Tree was said to be "very happy" at this ecumenical development and said that "no doubt all former Anglicans will be filled with joy" when the Pope comes to England to cut the ribbons of his two additional Societies next month and lays the 'new foundation stones' at Fountains and Rievaulx Abbeys. At least one Abbey in England will be left in ruins as a mark of remembrance to the Reformation and one Anglican bishop's palace left unoccupied as a mark of recognition of the Enlightenment, but otherwise the Reformation and Enlightenment will have no official setting in Catholic documents and no function outside the three new Societies, the Ordinariate, the Unitariate and the Creamery.

In this announcement the Pope has demanded that the Church of Wales submit to Roman Catholicism, but is said to be pleased that in recent developments he has "cut off the head" of the Anglican Communion.