Monday, 18 October 2010

Chadderbox Tackles the Bishop

Peter Levite: Religion section again and we have a man making the news at the moment, Bishop Barry Broadarse who is at our Grimtown studio. Bishop Broadarse, welcome. Can you hear me?

Barry Broadarse: Watcha mate.

Peter Levite: You recently described the Church in England as "fascist and vindictive". Can you tell us how you have come to this conclusion?

Barry Broadarse: They're fucking bastards the lot of 'em. Rotten rotten system and I'd kick it as hard as I'd kick a Protestant's goolies.

Peter Levite: Bishop Broadarse, can I remind you that we broadcast in the afternoon, live, and to mind your language. I wish to apologise on behalf of Radio Chadderbox most sincerely to all our listeners. Once more bishop and you'll have to be off. Now, Bishop Broadarse, on the basis that you can mind your language, go on. Perhaps you could apologise.

Barry Broadarse: I'm not going to apologise to the Church in England, oh no. I want your listeners to know how the bas.. the dutchy on the left hand side nasty pieces of work treat we poor downtrodden Anglo-Catholics.

Peter Levite: You're leaving.

Barry Broadarse: Is that the end of the interview? Haven't you heard of saying it like it is, mushty?

Peter Levite: No, you are leaving the Church in England.

Barry Broadarse: Too right I am, leaving behind those shisete...eees, nice teas, that you can, er, buy at vicarages and their garden parties for something, yes, stronger in Roman Catholic circles. You see, the Holy Father, who has never had any fascist or vindictive experience in his long and so fruitful life, has given us such warm invitations and had a wonderful trip here recently, reclaiming a true and glorious and saintly Christianity to these lands.

Peter Levite: Strong words, strong words today. remember to email in your comments or text in.

Barry Broadarse: I'm yer straight talking bishop, mate; none of your mamby pamby coming off a dandy talk from me.

Peter Levite: I put it to you that not everyone of your ilk is leaving. Yes or no? The Bishop of Beverley, he might not go, and he's in our area, though I've never seen him - because aren't you flying bishops or something, gowns out wide and up in the air?

Barry Broadarse: I'm not one o' them. I'm in London, mush, mainly. I'll need replacing by a selection and synodical system that is so blud blunt, the utter con-stables, like police constables running a church, yes, that they are.

Peter Levite: And a whole parish wants to go: Kent?

Barry Broadarse: What did you call me mush? Fancy your face 'coming out like a plate o' mashed potaters?

Peter Levite: I'm saying in Kent.

Barry Broadarse: Folkestone, yeah mate, yar alright really, overlooking the cliff. Well the PCC, which is a very democratic body, has made its decision.

Peter Levite: The congregation; the parish is leaving then yes?

Barry Broadarse: The congregation is yet to be told, er the parish is a far wider thing really me old China. Catholics have parishes and reach out to the population, which the Church in England stole when at the time Henry VIII refused to obey the Pope. His job at the time was to pray for the Holy Father, not grab the booty. If there was any justice it would all be given back, the cathedrals, churches, parishes the lot.

Peter Levite: I put it to you that the PCC is a fascist body, making decisions to impose on others.

Barry Broadarse: Absolute bol... weavils. Bulls... and cows. You think you can trap me, like some trumped up little black shirted reporter eh? Listen, mate, it isn't exactly like trying to chuck anybody out, is it, only themselves taking the path of martyrdom like Catholics down the bleeding ages. An' I mean bleeding. I tell you what, it would have been better to have been hung, drawn and quartered through the streets of my London than to have been subjected to the General Synod vote.

Peter Levite: Well LET ME PUT THIS TO YOU [shouting]. Not all Anglican Catholics are leaving. Not just the likes of your Bishop of Beverley but over near to you in the parish of Chad. 'Cause we knew you were coming we have an anonymous note sent through by fax to me from Lara Crofter in Grimtown, written by one of our Morning Elsewhere contributors, you know the minute available when listeners can leave the radio and come back to us afterwards. And he, who describes himself as 'a well known humble Catholic priest', writes, and I quote:

If I was a Roman Catholic, I would be a layman, because I wouldn't want to let down my parishioners who thought they had come to Mass when it would turn out they hadn't if I had to be reordained. Secondly, not all of us as Catholics are against the ordination of women, either as priests or bishops. We are also pro-gay inclusion too, whereas many Catholics who are Rome-bound are gay and closeted. Don't assume that these Catholics leaving are the only Catholics. The tradition of the Church in its entirety will live on as we provide the Catholic witness.

Peter Levite: What do you say to that, Bishop Broadarse?

Barry Broadarse: That is just some filthy, rotten, utter crap.. dice game shi..nty game bulls and cows and fu... nny nonsense, yes nonsense, I've ever heard.

Peter Levite: HE'S ONE OF YOURS. [shouting]

Barry Broadarse: No he is NOT one of ours. He is like a lot of them: a faux Catholic, a liberal dressed up as a traditionalist, a cover with nothing to cover, a technicolour raincoat without Joseph wearing it. One wonders what they believe. Let's look at what he says then mate. He'd be a layman, so that would deny his orders altogether just the same. And the tradition in its entirety, in Roman Catholicism and Orthdoxy, is not to have women as priests full stop, never mind bishops. So na na to him then, whoever you've dug up.

Peter Levite: Up to now you have never conducted a Mass then.

Barry Broadarse: I acted faithfully when I did.

Peter Levite: Well, assuming that - when you were doing what you thought you were doing - you shouldn't be doing it now. Q E D BISHOP, YES OR NO?

Barry Broadarse: Can you stop shouting, matey, you loud mouthed ars... me a question. Well to answer your previous question, right, I ought to get into the ordinariate as fast as I can.

Peter Levite: No more masses then. Yes or no?

Barry Broadarse: Let's call it training. We are doing what Methodist ministers do, in that a Methodist minister when he becomes an Anglican is a layman unless he gets reordained. He did his communion then, but no more until he obeys their rules.

Peter Levite: But it is not ordination according to you.

Barry Broadarse: When I am a Roman Catholic, it will not be.

Peter Levite: So it is now, and you are now, but you won't be now when you are later?

Barry Broadarse: It is a Protestant denomination: we will have made a mistake. Or at least it will become one surely. But then - this will answer your question - we are also inside Backward in Belief and the BIB is not a Church of England organisation.

Peter Levite: Not what the Bishop of Beverley thinks, if he stays, in the Church in England.

Barry Broadarse: Well we BIBs have different coping strategies. And there is the new Society of Saint Hilda and Thomas is it they can go in - anyway, BIB will probably turn into NAPPEE - the Not Anglican or Protestant Personal Ecclesiastical Exodus. Personally I would recommend all Anglo-Catholics going from NAPPY and then into SHAT should be reordained, perhaps by some episcopi vagantes doing the rounds.

Peter Levite: Who's episcopi vagantes?

Barry Broadarse: Oh it's not Thomas it's Wilfrid. Can't remember all these saints and groups. And there's Augustine now for Protestants. Oh Episcopi vagantes: well they're people validly ordained who set up their own Churches, that tend to last five minutes before they make another one. You can find them on the Internet. Clerics without congregations.

Peter Levite: Like these coming ordinariates then.

Barry Broadarse: No no. What about Kent? Twenty lay people at least from there we reckon. Anyway, mate, there are plenty of Roman Catholic congregations currently without priestly cover.

Peter Levite: But for Anglicans staying behind; you recommend reordination?

Barry Broadarse: Yeah they can find these Internet presence bishops. They do some funny stuff from time to time, you know a bit of Theosophy and some Reiki services, but they were at least validly ordained. And that's what matters. We don't do any of that funny stuff, you know, but then we're the real deal.

Peter Levite: You're the real deal, later, but our anonymous priest isn't - who is on tomorrow on the morning show everyone, so catch your Reverend Eric early; but to you he's no priest, you won't have been, no one will be, no one that is except Roman Catholics and you when you are redone.

Barry Broadarse: And the Eastern Orthodox and these Old Catholics, see.

Peter Levite: So they're all right then.

Barry Broadarse: Well they ought to recognise the primacy of the Bishop of Rome.

Peter Levite: Oh well I think our time is up. Perhaps more light but plenty of heat. Still, that's what we like. Thank you very much Bishop Barry Broadarse.

Barry Broadarse: Hey Lara love who was that nasty piece of right shitehouse work, a right chef cooking font over the liver?

Peter Levite: Can someone turn his microphone off there in Grimtown? Crumbs, I would like to keep the afternoon slot. George Hudson please; time for the weather and where are you?

George Hudson: I'm glad he said all that.

Peter Levite: Well I'm not. There'll be reports to HQ about that interview. I mean you don't expect a bishop to be as common as muck do you? Listeners can text in: what do you think: should the bishop go off to Rome and do you even care?

George Hudson: Peter. I'm in Conisborough, platform one; outside your region Peter, doing weather for the other lot.

Peter Levite: And our weather is?

George Hudson: Dunno really.


George Hudson: Not like you forgetting to take a coat when you went out with Carol Countdown yesterday. She had to lend you hers, cost her thousands and it got wet.

Peter Levite: It was your forecast. Look I'm getting effing fed up with my next door neighbour sending you emails. BYE.

George Hudson: BYE, see you later. Mind your language!

Peter Levite: News is next after we have listened to Lord Carey's Dump - what? What piece of music is ever called Lord Carey's Dump? Oh it's the playlist faxed through this morning. Sorry listeners but someone wrote over my playlist sent from my producer over there in Grimtown.

Lara Crofter: Peter, sorry, I should have stopped him. I think it was our Morning Elsewhere contributor's joke. It's actually My Lady Carey's Dompe, a piece from the 1500s, anonymous and played by Elaine Comparone.

Peter Levite: Stone the crows. Oh I see he left it here. OK, harpsichord music going on - NOW. Hospital Radio has nothing on us. Oops.

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