Wednesday, 10 July 2013

New Bishop Test

So as not to single out gay people in a discriminatory fashion, all candidates for becoming bishops are going to be examined as to their sexual behaviour, so that all stay within the purity of sex within marriage limitations. Here is an example of such an interview.

Inquisitor: Well, you are not supposed to know that you might be up for a change in your ministry task beyond which I can say no more. But nevertheless I am under instruction to see you and ask you some delicate questions of the private variety

Anglican priest: How very interesting. I'm to become a bishop? Oh how lovely.

Inquisitor: You might think that but I could not possibly comment. However, given the situation I do have to ask you these certain more nudge nudge say no more questions.

Anglican priest: Shoot.

Inquisitor: Well, that's one way to put it. Perhaps you could tell me, is there anything awry regarding what could be called the unmentionables in the darker hours?

Anglican priest: Seeing as you don't mention them, I don't think so. How would I know? Tell me more, ducky.

Inquisitor: Let me try to be more specific. Are you heterosexually married and if you are, are you on the straight and narrow avoiding all forms of polyamoury?

Anglican priest: Very straight, very narrow, but not heterosexually married my love.

Inquisitor: Oh, this could become complicated. Here we are. Are you homosexually married, which would be unacceptable, or are you in a Civil Partnership which might be acceptable according to if you avoid the diddly wotsits among the fanciables and also depending on where you live in case it's a bit backward there and it might not lead to unity among the flock?

Anglican priest: I can categorically reply my dear that I am neither married in a homosexual manner nor am I in a Civil Partnership.

Inquisitor: So you are single.

Anglican priest: I am divorced. It happens.

Inquisitor: Oh dear, it does happen, so this means that I have a subset of questions to ask. Is there a person alive today who was involved with you and featured in the breakdown in the marriage?

Anglican priest: Only Jesus Christ. Otherwise, no.

Inquisitor: Jesus Christ?

Anglican priest: He is the answer to everything, apparently, and helps us along, or surely we are told the Holy Spirit is involved. Surely so?

Inquisitor: Humm. Let's not bring God the Son or God the Holy Spirit into it. Have you had a relationship with someone after the separation and divorce, even though they had nothing to do with the separation or divorce.

Anglican priest: Yes, a beautiful woman presented herself for care and consideration.

Inquisitor: More than pastorally?

Anglican priest: It becomes a grey area.

Inquisitor: Ah, this leads to a subset question. Did you ever intend to have or indeed have had sexual relations with this person, that is nookie of the intimite variety including or not including the train into the tunnel?

Anglican priest: A kiss, in the context of a growing friendship.

Inquisitor: This might be construed as sexual relations. When?

Anglican priest: Some time after the separation. We deliberately refrained from sexual relations. You are a nice boy but I don't like your tone of voice.

Inquisitor: Right. I can't help that. Someone has to do this job. And how is this relationship likely to develop?

Anglican priest: Well, I think we will be friendly with one another, perhaps get married and only then shag each other senseless. I am hoping she will be brilliant with her eating orifice but of course I've no idea because we refrain from that sort of thing. I'm not bad with the old tongue, however.

Inquisitor: Oh and what experience gives you that information?

Anglican priest: Historical and geographical information. Historically, during the marriage, and, geographically, about half way down the body of my wife where one torso becomes two legs.

Inquisitor: There are one or two other questions.

Anglican priest: Go on, if you must.

Inquisitor: Have you ever had sexual relations with a member of your family?

Anglican priest: Yes, my wife, when married. I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave some moments ago.

Inquisitor: No, I meant your mum, dad, daughter, son, uncle, auntie, first cousin although second cousins carry exceptional exemptions.

Anglican priest: No, I don't think so, as there was a sort of preventative taboo in operation, although I quite fancied my auntie.

Inquisitor: Have you ever had sexual relations with a horse or a dog?

Anglican priest: I once considered it with a pig but I am relieved to say that nothing actually happened.

Inquisitor: I'm pleased to hear it.

Anglican priest: The pig ran away, probably filled up with demons. Plus it lived in a pig sty and I prefer tidy accommodation. Though apparently pigs themselves are rather clean.

Inquisitor: Are you or have you ever been a practising homosexual?

Anglican priest: I have not tried to train to become a homosexual, no, but thank you for asking.

Inquisitor: Have you had any connection with anyone close who has been or become a practising homosexual?

Anglican priest: I believe my wife now shares her bed with another woman, and may have a Civil Partnership with her when the divorce comes through. I have no idea if this intention indicates that they simply share the bed to sleep, or otherwise, given the ambiguity of the legal agreement.

Inquisitor:  Can I be sure that you are a man or a woman, and nothing less clear?

Anglican priest: I am a man but may have some slight female gender tendencies of disposition, my dear. I do stop any such tendencies before I get to cross-dressing, except for advanced clerical garb.

Inquisitor: Oh dear. Well, let's see. I am afraid that I'll have to report that you did kiss a person outside of marriage and it has sexual potential and that this took place at a time when you might have had reconciliation that might have restored the marriage and that, in any case, your wife during the separation is sleeping with a woman that could be the cause of scandal and affect unity detrimentally and therefore your ministry will probably be just as it is now if that. But then I wasn't actually enquiring into anything specific.

Anglican priest: Well I'm glad that is cleared up. It was getting rather messy, dear man. I don't like messy. Oh it is so much simpler to be and stay a virgin.

Inquisitor: Well we can't all manage that. Anyway, I have no need to carry out further tests, such as with these cotton buds.

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