Sing Along Time

I don't like this time of year. So here are some carols (I hate) to celebrate. One is a bit naughty. Only one.

I hate carols so here are some made more relevant by me, these having appeared on Facebook:


Once in loyal David's city
Stood a local betting shop and pub.
There our hero drank then put his bet on:
Chose the favourite horse called 'Rub a Dub'.
There he watched it on a screen:
It came first; it ran just like a dream.

***

Silent Night? Noisy Night!
Live along the M1
The fence they put up doesn't them shush
For twenty four hours they go past in a rush
Never a decent night's sleep!
It makes the whole family weep.

***

It came upon a midnight clear
My friends had become rat-arsed:
They drank real ales to great excess
In emptying glass by glass.
Their thought was strained, the toilets gained,
Their talk turned into shout;
And then they tried to walk to homes,
In the gutters they did pass out.

***

Oh little towns of Hull and Barnsley,
They did once build a railway.
It competed with the North Eastern
It went in a round-about way.
It never was a total success:
The other was best for time;
But, in the end, the legacy is such,
It provided Hull's high level line.

***

This one I won't put on Facebook, for obvious reasons, and takes several verses to work through. Not for the faintly offended.


Ding dong merrily on low,
This woman came and slept with me.
Ding dong on my own pillow,
She lifted her legs and bent her knee.
Gloria, Maria in excessive!
Gloria, Maria in excessive.

E'en so here below below
I thought about an entry.
Had to get myself to show,
Be stiff and charged for plenty.
Gloria, my own self is elusive!
Gloria, my own self is elusive.

Come on, dutifully prime!
Her mouth worked on the donger.
So impressed was I this time,
My rear welcomed her finger.
Gloria, Maria in excessive!
Gloria, Maria in excessive.

Yet so, a girfriend did not land,
She left me to the season;
A flop, reject, one night stand -
It didn't stand to reason.
Gloria, Maria in exit lost!
Gloria, Maria in exit lost.

Since then I have shut my eyes,
To image what she was for;
Come to terms with the bye byes,
And online seeking one more.
Gloria, any for access there!
Gloria, any for access there.