Saturday, 30 August 2008

A Different Anglican Convention Acceptance Speech

Thank you everyone. I stand here and accept my nomination to be Archbishop of the Anglican Communion!


First, let me say thank you to some supporters. Thank you to my running mate, Henry, and to those others on the new Primates' Council, to be my cabinet, I mean of course Gregory, Emmanuel, Valentino and Benjamin. There may be others too.

So what will we do? Hang on, it is my mobile phone here. Peter!

... Yes. Yes, thank you. ... Bye.

Yes the advisory... And I must also thank Peter, and indeed Chris, and Martyn of course. The first thing is we setup the Advisory group, which will take the decisions before the Primates...

Just a moment. It's my telephone again. Hello Chris.

... Yes. OK. ... Of course. Yes.

It will advise the Primates in the work that we will do. OK, and Peter, he's the Secretary.

Now the Bible you see contains everything for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is never contradictory and you can open every page and there it is. So we're very sad when others don't see it and we can't have a Church that don't see this. So we are not having it. Now the Gospel of Jesus Christ is for everyone and so we must insist upon this, whether you are rich or poor, slave or free, male or female, bishop or layman. There's a lot of corruption, poverty, and too many Muslims.

[The crowd gives a spontaneous cheer]

Yeah. So the first thing then is tackle this homosexuality. That's what we need to do. We do not have it here, or in Uganda, or where my other Primates are, so we must fight it, because these Western missionaries today would bring it to us. Not like the missionaries before. No, there was no homosexuality then. You don't find it in animals either, none there either, though we don't want that Mr Darwin either too. So first thing then is getting rid of this perversion, and asking governments too to really go and arrest and detain... Hold on it's the phone again.

Hello Peter. ... No. ... Yes the Western media is here. Some of them may be homosexuals Peter. ... No, no. I see. OK. ... I can say it. I will talk to you again.

Yes. God loves all his people whoever they are, but he does not like the sin. We cannot... sanctify sin. Yes. So that's the first thing. Just a minute, it's Peter again.

... OK Peter. Yes I will.

So I want to say how we are all opposed to torture. Now the problem of Muslims that affects us here. My opponent in England he talks to Muslims, you know, talking about their Law and that. We have that and we don't like it. We have more too, and you know they do not have a monopoly on violence. They know that; they ought to know that. I have great plans for the youth, you know, travelling around and meeting Muslims. Yes, but it is nothing to do with me.

Er, someone I haven't mentioned yet is Bob. You know, we are going to welcome Bob to our Council. So we can't have this sanctifying sin and therefore we will have a new Church in North America, and we will as Primates give up our bishops to Archbishop Bob but of course we all will be in control on the Council. As my running mate Henry said, Bob's time has come.


This is how we do it! This is not some democracy. No no. We don't have all that mess, and that so called General Convention Church with lay people approving people living in sin. No, we give the people guidance, and they do what we say. It is theocracy; that is what we believe in and the Primates rule.

This is where my opponent gets it wrong. Last year we as Primates said we want Primates to take Americans under our wing. Now our opponent ignores us and tells us he wants a Forum to take Americans and Canadians under its wing, in like in a ship's holding bay.

[Boos from the crowd]

You see he pinches our idea and he does not consult us. And we have a letter from them in America saying they don't want this any more. They want a province. They will have their province!

[Loud cheers]

You know this homosexuality, it gets everywhere. And so we are going to invite people who are not homosexuals with other homosexuals to join us. We call you, our supporters, the Fuckers. Just a moment, it's my phone again.

Hello Peter. ... Oh so we did.

We call it eff see aye. That's right. The Conference, where we produced that final statement for the attenders to comment on, that is the main thing, and then this thing - eff see aye - that is like the membership you can join. Send your money to Peter. Hang on. All these people ringing me.

Hello Martyn! ... Oh he has agreed another payment. Thank you, that is good. I will talk to you soon about transferring to Bob - when he is ready. He has business to sort out first, as you know. By the way, isn't he so generous about the cathedral there? ... I will talk. Bye bye.

No, we have plenty of money. Don't send any money to Peter. So, then, when people join us, you see, we can find them a bishop, who is under us, and then they come under that bishop, and wave goodbye to homosexuals. That's right.

Now, I said, I accept your nomination, but as you know we don't have any election. I have already won, or at least I will act as if I have already won. Oh it is Chris. Chris this time.

... Yes. Yes, that is right. ... Yes, I should say this. ... Well I know you could have written it all out for me but people look at these document properties don't they? ... Yes. Well I will say this.

Phew. Christian ladies and gentlemen. For too long we have not had democracy, and this Archbishop of the so-called Mother Church who thinks he has authority is just colonialism. It is the sin of nationalism. So when I say we have won, it is because we are not having colonialism any more, and we will reverse it. So we are taking power now, and not having that Western colonialism, no. So when we have our bishops in these other countries, then we will set up provinces in them too. This way we stop the collapse into chaos of the Anglican Communion - by controlling our own.

Now next year there is a Primates Meeting, one with others in it, and we are still going because we are going to tell them what to do and that we will do it when we get back. But no, we won't say prayers with her - not her - nor with any homosexualists. We follow the Lord; they don't. And if our opponent thinks we are going to sit in small groups so his scribes can decide what we said, we won't have that. We avoided going to that before. Anyway, let me reassure you that we will be back in Africa to do what we want anyway.


And so I wish you the love of God and the... Hang on, my phone again. What have I said wrong this time?

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