Taliban Vicar becomes Buddhist Bishop

The Reverend D. Nold Alley Stare, once dubbed 'the most bonkers and dangerous vicar in Britain' by the ever less popular press, has turned into a cute and cuddly "I love everyone in the Church of England" bishop-designate and recommends everyone to read all about different religions. It seems that the shock and horror of some reports and comments are simply out of date.

Of course, when he was a vicar, he once gave a speech in 1993 advocating high level bombing using antique aircraft of all parish churches suspected of harbouring liberals of any kind. He described them as "satanic, enemies within, a cancer, nasty pieces of work, to be rooted out". "They and their meeting places should be turned into rubble," he said. And once they were, he'd then go after Anglican men who wore dresses during worship. He said then, "We should learn something from the Taliban about how to be Christian." He was one of the earliest advocates of seeking common cause with the Fascist Anglican Church of Uganda in Faith Fellowship (FACUFF), not that long before the days of international oversight started from special bishops in Nigeria, Uganda and Rwanda, to name but a few such places. He was admired by many for his doctrinal soundness and prophetic insight.

Back in 1993 he also was an advocate for a new way of celebrating the Eucharist, as a result of watching TISWAS on Saturday mornings when younger. He asked, "How can we be really informal when it comes to that memorial meal some of us have occasionally? Let me tell you about an ITV children's programme that adults loved to watch." Basically, his message was that you don't have to be ordained in order to chuck the food and drink about.

However, during the period between selection for bishop and his press conference in the city of Fenton, the new bishop-designate made a visit to The Clockwork Banana Institute, where Anglican brains are recalibrated for Bishop-like work. It is expensive treatment and reserved for those who are being promoted. Now usually this takes perfectly sensible people and turns them into puzzling exponents of doctrines about which they had been previously unsure, a treatment that normally lasts until retirement. But in this case The Clockwork Banana Institute was faced with sending his brain in the opposite direction. It would seem that the combination of unique electrical and hypnotic treatment has been over effective, so much so that some Ugley Vicar somewhere feels like it's all been too much like a pretty facelift that smiles even when miserable and Puritan, and he is now very careful when it comes to bowls of bread and goblets of wine.

"I love you all," said the new bishop to be at his press conference, looking forward especially to meeting Liberals and Anglo-Catholics in his new Diocese Amongst The Reeds. "I meditate every day, thinking how wonderful Jesus was in his Ashram setting up his Church and writing its constitution, something which I learnt when I was dreaming one afternoon." He said, "I've been on a faith journey of convenience, and whoopee we all do evangelism. I'm particularly interested in learning from Buddhists how to be better Christians."

The to be Bishop Stare, known when a vicar to have caused colleagues to go out picking herbs before a deanery meeting, is now said to come with his own welcoming fragrance.