You know how it is. These days you have to spend money to get into a Cathedral, but in some you can visit the shop for free when there is a door to the outside. At least you get a sneeky peeky look at the building and can get something to take home for your money.
I went into such a Cathedral shop yesterday. It now sells underwear. I thought, I could get something for my faithful girlfriend, so first I asked about the different bra varieties. I started having a look and wondered about all the references to churches.
The assistant asked me, "What sort of bra would you like? We sell them by the denomination."
I said, "Don't know. What have you got that would suit a faithful, believing woman?"
"The Anglican Catholic raises them up; the broad Anglican is elasticated; the low Anglican half-cup exposes much above; the Roman Catholic upholds the mass; the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen; the United Reformed brings together two of different shapes and sizes; all the Congregationalist ones are different and the Methodist bras come in various classes; the Muslim moves the mountains; the Jewish have extensive mother choices; the Baptist makes mountains out of molehills; the Unitarian is for the flat chested, so some might not bother; the fundamentalist comes in strict sizes; the Buddhist is disposable; the Jain are very loose fitting..."
"The Hindu?" I asked.
"Very relaxing. Makes her karma and better."
"Could be the Hindu then but what about..."
"We have a denominations' choice of knickers as well."
"Go on," I said.
"The Catholic come in very tight for virgins and very loose for married women - no other varieties. If you want varieties, then you can't describe the Congregationalist and I wouldn't trust the quality control either."
"No good then."
"The Jewish are strongly made: for big strong women; the Muslim are huge and floppy, almost like cottony trousers."
"More delicate than either of those."
"Well, the United Reformed are rather broad and open ended."
"Sexy versions then? The Baptist is an adult version but covers the essentials to save embarrassment; the Salvation Army brand suits ex-prostitutes but has more coverage; the Unitarian is, well, rather see-through and skimpy at best."
"Not really. Well, she might not like any of those."
"Humm. The need the right rhythm to get the Methodists' ones on and off; the Anglican Catholic comes up to the belly button, very high, tight and can incense a woman; low Anglicans' are worn around the hip but no waxing available; the broad Anglicans' are baggy with several ways to get out; the fundamentalist is made of harsh sacking material; the Buddhist, oh they are disposable after a day; the Jain only just stay in contact and wouldn't hurt a fly."
"And the Hindu?"
"Apparently they are non-personal - should suit anyone - and are designed to be recycled as cloths."
"Oh dear, I wouldn't want to suggest housework. What about the humanist?" I asked.
"I'm sorry but we only have the plans for them. Very good plans but they haven't got the materials yet."
"I'll give her some money," I said, "and she can choose."
Which she did - and chose Quaker ones. The shop keeps quiet about them, she only told me what she bought afterwards and I've never even seen them.
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