Sunday, 11 August 2013

Cameron inspired by Jesus (in Coalition)

Peter Levite: Tell me, Mr Cameron, on your tour of soft-interviewing local radio stations: you're an active member of the Church of England, so how do you understand the gospel of Christianity?
David Cameron, Prime Minister: Well it is a source of morals and life, among others. I'd admit that for me it's a bit like local radio reception in some places.
Peter Levite: It's digital at least on the Internet Mr Cameron and our Radio Chatterbox can be received all around the world. You've starved the BBC and so it's unlikely local radio will get to Freeview, satellite and other non-hissy platforms. So what about your take on the Sermon on the Mount?
David Cameron: Yes, I recommend hill walking.
Peter Levite: There's the Sermon on the Plain.
David Cameron: Come down again or have a picnic.
Peter Levite: I mean, do you agree with him?
David Cameron: I agree with Nick. He's been on the plain, the plain in Spain and I think he's got it.
Peter Levite: What has he got?
David Cameron: Tory policies. He's a good Tory, is Nick Clegg - why the people voted for him.
Peter Levite: I thought people regarded the party - his Liberal Democrat party - as anti-Tory, and an alternative to Labour that had ignored its core vote. Students voted for him, people in the inner city voted for him, people who came first perhaps in the eyes of Jesus - that chap you worship through never mind agree with.
David Cameron: Well, I think between the end of the voting and the beginning of forming the government, the Liberal Democrats switched between being for one set of voters and then being for another set. So it's as if Jesus was invited into Pontius Pilate's government and was asked to form a coalition.
Peter Levite: That or presumably having himself crucified.
David Cameron: That comes later for Nick Clegg. Unless he does the decent and final thing and join the Tory party. He's so obviously one of us.
Peter Levite: Like Jesus becoming a Roman citizen and in the ruling coalition.
David Cameron: Paul was a Roman citizen.
Peter Levite: Quite, and we know the changes there. But back to this Jesus chap and what about the camel and the eye of the needle?
David Cameron: Well, in order to get the economy going we'd introduce investment in infrastructure that widens the eye of the needle.
Peter Levite: To what size?
David Cameron: Roughly the dimensions of a camel.
Peter Levite: One lump or two?
David Cameron: Two lumps - the full high speed thing.
Peter Levite: So what would Jesus do?
David Cameron: He doesn't need a camel train - he'd walk on water.
Peter Levite: I mean in terms of social policy and economics. Think of the new Pope and his first statements.
David Cameron: I'm sure that, in government, Jesus would take benefits away from the poor and force them to face up to the existence of unemployment. The disabled really ought to do what Jesus did say - "Get up and walk." The poor are always with us, so we have to reduce the cost of their burden on others. The lower paid ought to be paid less too, because then they might die earlier and be less of a charge on the pension system, which we can also raise in age away from the poor. And just as Nick is fully on board, so would Jesus be. I mean, once the money changers are back trading, we can sell them off and they'd spread out from the temple.
Peter Levite: And so who is your neighbour, Mr Cameron?
David Cameron: I've a few good neighbours off to court presently defending themselves.
Peter Levite: You really do have bad reception. I mean in the sense as in the parable.
David Cameron: Well the good lady has answered that.
Peter Levite: Mary the mother of Jesus?
David Cameron: No, no. Margaret Thatcher. Remember, she said the guy had to have the money in his wallet to start with before he could give it to the Samaritan. And so I'm all in favour of charity, though if food banks are going to give to the poor we might have to calculate a reduction in benefits. We can't have people living for nothing.
Peter Levite: You mention her: not even Margaret Thatcher or John Major has stooped as low and as brutal as you when it has come to capitalism and social divisions. Major wrecked the railways but none of them touched the Post Office; but you will. You really have the poorer and the workless downtrodden. You and the Liberal Democrats.
David Cameron: Well, as I say, they'll be crucified but the Conservatives will no doubt go on for hundreds of years like the Romans. Oh and I've a telephone number for people to call if they want rid of people speaking other languages like the Samaritan did.
Peter Levite: I think we'll have the weather.
George Hudson: Here at the approaches to Manchester Piccadilly it is pissing down on the poor, the students, and anyone else in these urban parts, but the outer suburbs are doing well, particularly into Cheshire where the footballers' wives live. As for where you are, no chance. Ice age.

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