Intrigue at the Pally

Sensational claims of a plot to retire the Archbishop of England, Rowan Tree, and bring freedom and honesty to the top levels of Anglicanism, have whipped Britain into a dull sleep and focused a few journalists' attention on the poisonous atmosphere inside the Lamby Pally.

The British daily newspaper The Fatso (successor to The Sun after the arrest of its journalists) published an unsigned letter, written in Russian, the language of secret talks over The Anglican Communion Covenant, which spoke of a Glasnost and Perestroika and quoted the Archbishop of the North, John Sendmehome, predicting that the Archbishop would retire within 12 months and a new atmosphere of freedom (and saying what is actually believed) overtaking the palace. The anonymous missive, dated 30 December and sent by first class post (only just arrived) claims to report comments by suffragan Bishop Monarch, although some think they actually come from the new Bishop Nicholas Texas Holdem recently accused of "false teaching" by evangelicals like Bishop Monarch but not Bishop Monarch at least in public.

It was handed to an archbishop's chaplain, but the paper did not explain how he came by the letter. Marco Polo, the roving reporter who broke the story, said Russian was used to convey the information directly to the Archbishop, who knows a few languages, while throwing prying eyes off the scent.

Yesterday, Bishop Monarch denied having made such comments. "It is so outside of reality that it should not be given any consideration," he told the BBBC, "but I must check if my phone is hacked." Bishop Nicholas Texas Holdem was equally dismissive. "It seems to me something that is so far removed from reality that I don't even want to comment on it," he said, "though that does give it some plausibity."

It is a well-known fact that Rowan Tree is incredibly unpopular among many Church figures. But experts said the letter was more likely an indication of a plot to cause political mischief rather than a means to introduce openness after he has gone.

Robert Mucky, the Lamby Pally correspondent of The Church Tomes, was sceptical. "I wather suspect it is nonsense, witten to cweate even more wanker," he said. "It is an indication of the ill-feeling theh and of the plottin and power stwuggles."

He noted the anonymous letter may also have been designed to harm the prospects of John Sendmehome, the Archbishop of the North, who is a candidate to succeed Rowan tree and currently does a lot of his dirty work, arm twisting and rumour mongering.

In naming him as the likely successor, should the Archbishop retire this year, the writer is likely to have stoked up resentment and enmity against Sendmehome. One veteran Lamby Pally watcher, Sammy Charm, of the the Aspidistra religious news website, said last night: "It has probably been done to hurt both the Archbishops and gosh they deserve what they get."

Apologies to The Independent