Monday, 27 February 2012

John Sendmehome's New Job

The Archbishop of the North John writes in The Stunner on Monday.
Promoting this and me

What a fantastic honour it is for you to read me in the new look Stunner Monday. It is yet another chance for me to do what I do best - self promotion and the publicity drive, and sell a few rumoured to be newspappers. It's a fresh start in a stale world.

Seven days a week I can get a gad dose of a pair of tits and all sorts of other tittle - geddit - tackle. Wow!

It is easier for a nakk-ed woman to show herself in front of men instead of a woman, because a woman is critical while a man is just grateful. And that's the proper way, leading to actual marriage and not some civil thing that they told us was a bit of the old David and Jonathan covenant of friends, you know.

But in this bigger, brighter, shine a light Stunner, men show their chests too. A bit of equality - wow. Why do women and then men go near naked in the Rag of the Year? To air their differences, and when we Anglicans air our differences we need a Covenant too. I don't lack our cladgy vatting it down, so we need to do a bit of backroom stuff and the old methods that this paper knows all about.

I know people who criticise me for dat and dis and for writing in dis reputable rag, but look we all say sorry and forgive, even well before the police have finished their investigations and justice has not been done. OK, so some enquiry is going on, but I never bother with them myself, even though I've chaired a few.

But I like to see the best in journalists - doing the hacking telephones and police being paid bungs. See, we Anglicans have our ways and means behind the scenes too, like when I go in the gents with folk and and these people come out with a different opinion. I need to work on our cladgy more, obviously.

Alex Pope, he was no pope - but he said keep your finger where you don't want anything else to protrude. Especially in Lent, when people borrow things and when people turn their backs on what has gone before or turn their backs to get some more.

Also I lack to wrat to places like Nigeria and say that really, honestly, they ought not to execute sinful people who like to have a bit of whoopsy in the bedroom, given half the chance. I think we ought to deny them everything but not to kill them. That's a bit too far. But, fair doooos, ah'll meet them half way.

So Lent is lack a spiritual MOT and then the Chach is lack an expensive insurance policy. You pay your dues and if tha is a Gad then ya get saved. After all, insurance is a gamble against misfortune and the good thing about motoring insurance is it also protects the other guy from misfortune.

This way we can drive off to a new horizon forgetting the wreckage behind us. It's ever so umble to write in this Rag of the Year, and especially if you buy it every day for all the glamour for which Gad will indulge you mercifully.

And am looking fawwad to my caravan holiday for nine quid this year somewhere on the River Mazzey I think. Mack sure you get your vouchers from the daily papper.

And remember, it's a days wage for a day's work, lack when the readers and non-stipendary cladgy don't get anything for tacking services and preaching in our chaches. Be fair, like we are in our trade.

Read me next week in the gaseous ball The Stunner on Monday.


Anonymous said...

"for dat and dis"

I think you're sailing a bit close to the wind with that one. Reminds me of a Blackadder sketch mentioning a 'warty melon'.

There's plenty to criticise Sentamu about without poking fun at his accent.

Laurence C.

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

But by saying dis and dat I can then say 'dis reputable'. That's the reason. The Levison Inquiry on Monday was exactly why a certain Sentamu should not have written the article he did. But, er, this isn't quite Sentamu, is it, but the boy who ran from his village and kept being sent home.