Monday, 1 October 2012

Chadderbox on Archbishop Stalemate

Peter Levite: Religious news now. The Crown Upper Nominations Team of Selectors has failed to produce a name of the Archbishop of All England. As we all know, the Most Reverend Rowan Tree is retiring on the last day of December so that we can all start 2013 with the excitement of a new Archbishop. But it may be that we don't, because the Crown Selectors cannot settle on a new name. I have here someone in the know to help me, our old Radio Chadderbox religious affairs discussion partner and one time visitor to these parts, Lesley Tilgate, who we used to know as Lesley Bloke. She's back blogging and so is on the phone from down south, Aldershit I think. Hello Lesley.
Lesley Tilgate: [line crackles] o Peter. An outside Al [line crackles]shit parish actually.
Peter Levite: You don't believe in an interventionist God, Lesley, you tell us, so what's going on with the Nominations Selectors?
Lesley Tilgate: Well I so love my new parish with my new optimistic husband that I am beginning to doubt my doubts about intervention.
Peter Levite: Well, lets face it, if you don't believe in intervention I don't see how you can believe in things like virgin births and resurrections and uniqueness when they are all about intervention, are they not? But who's [shouting] not intervening in the Selectors Team situation?
Lesley Tilgate: We hope the Holy Spirit is interven [line crackles], in a manner of speaking of course.
Peter Levite: Well tell us the runners and riders and what's the latest.
Lesley Tilgate: Adam, I can do this myself. Go and find something to do. Right. Well the said names were Jones James, James Graham, Justin R. Ewing, John Sendme [line crackles]...
Peter Levite: Ah the chap who told us all the jokes.
Lesley Tilgate: Chris Cockermouth, Lindsay Buckingham, Bishop of Fleetwood - my preferred candidate by the way, Nicholas Beanbag, and the Right Reverend New Testament Wrong. Some think Giles Farmer could be elevated straight from priest to top job as a person of public recognition, unlike all these bishops. [line crackles]
Adam Tilgate: You've forgotten Sevé Cottager in Essex and previously Berkshire and Louis Versailles of London.
Lesley Tilgate: No I haven't. Well they are the candidates, Peter.
Peter Levite: One liners on strengths and weaknesses and then who are the front runners and where we are at, please.
Adam Tilgate: Jones James - he was ambitious and has repented of former opinions but is a bit knackered now for the big job.
Lesley Tilgate: Hang on, who's doing this? Er... No, I am.. Well, humm, Lindsay Buckingham, he's progressive and a modern communicator but that might also be his problem, and perhaps too progressive for some. Less progressive is a mild evangel [line crackles], Nicholas Beanbag, but like Lindsay he's a bit too communicative on the Internet. They'd have to stop that. Chris Cockermouth is of the same churchship as Nicholas Beanbag, and he has academic credentials, but the problem with him is simply his name. I doubt that the [line crackles] UNTS will choose someone whose name starts with Cock. There's a lot of cocky issues in the Church in England at the moment.
Peter Levite: If you should put it like that - [shouting again] I can imagine a John Sendmehome joke at this point.
Lesley Tilgate: Ah him. The jokes hide an exposed ma [line crackles] pulator and behind the scenes fixer. Yep, they all do it but the thing is not to get found out and he was found out. But then so was Rowan Tree, who sustained inequality and so would Sendmehome. He has real negatives about him but I ought not to go on because he gets a bit sensitive and instructs third parties to make rumours against opponents. Another angry man is [line crackles] Testament Wrong, known to his very few friends as Tom. His anger and self-made claims at being at the centre of things when he wasn't, and his running away to Scotland from the job, and frequent book trips to America while slagging them off, count against him.
Peter Levite: Mentioned Sevé Cottager?
Lesley Tilgate: Comes from the same bias as Rowan Tree, and in the shadow of his trampling over er [line crackles] n Jeffries, and so he's too much of a reminder of the present regime. And Louis Versailles is the other kind of Catholic, who won't ordain women, and is credited with growth in his diocese but that's just through immigration and a church scene that's more like the American one in general if not in particular.
Adam Tilgate: Actually, you're doing quite well. James Graham doesn't want the job. Safe pair of hands, but duff. Justin Ewing would have to overcome going to Eton and being an ex-oil capitalist - and a manager as such isn't wanted.
Lesley Tilgate: Thank you Adam, I was coming to them. Oh Adam's just said...
Peter Levite: We heard him. So none of them are any good.
Lesley Tilgate: None of them can command a two thirds vote for first choice or second choice and the Prime Minister has to accept the first choice, we think, and the Qu [line crackles] approves.
Peter Levite: So it is stalemate. The Prime Minister accepts and the Qur'an approves; shouldn't that be the Bible?
Lesley Tilgate: The Queen. She approves. It is said that three remain in the running.
Peter Levite: Which ones then?
Lesley Tilgate: Another leak, of course.
Adam Tilgate: I need a leak.
Lesley Tilgate: Yeah, when are you going to [line crackles] s off? Struth, the supposed leak says James Graham is still in, Sendmehome and J. R. Ewing. But it is deadlock. The other thing about Bishop J. R. is he's only been in his job a little while. But it's him, or the quiet man who doesn't want the job, and the manipulator.
Peter Levite: Any politician who says they don't want the job usually does.
Lesley Tilgate: He really doesn't.
Peter Levite: [shouting] Come back to us if they decide on one of them?
Lesley Tilgate: Yeah will.
Peter Levite: Love to you and send our love to your husband as well.
Lesley Tilgate: He's having a wee.
Peter Levite: Not with sendmehome I hope. Could change things...
George Hudson: That would describe the weather too, Peter, here at Wakefield station.
Peter Levite: What peeing down or changable?
George Hudson: Wet and liable to flood.
Peter Levite: Well it's dull here, you waste of space. Bye!
George Hudson: Bye! See you next time.

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