Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Ending New Archbishop Deadlock

Peter Levite: It's time for us to hear from our religious affairs corespondent again, the well-loved Lesley Bloke. Have you had any religious affairs, Lesley? Hah!
Lesley Tilgate: Peter, you know full well that my name changed and no I have not had any religious affairs.
Peter Levite: Or any other kind of religion either?
Lesley Tilgate: Peter, don't talk to me like you talk to your weatherman. I'm here for serious comment not your kind of level two NVQ banter.
George Hudson: I get it all the time. Just waiting, carry on. He has an eye for the ladies, Lesley.
Peter Levite: What's this about utter deadlock then in not getting a new Archbishop? You still haven't got one.
Lesley Tilgate: I'm not sure I'm going to treat you seriously, Peter. Why are you shouting?
George Hudson: And he can't keep his hands and arms still.
Lesley Tilgate: I can only hear him from here. Yes, we are waiting still.
Peter Levite: The Coptics, they'll cop one. Hah! They vote for three and a blind child comes out and chooses the new pope. Their Pope died not long ago, the Pope Choochoopuffpuffshoo. No problem replacing him. Why can't the Church in England break its deadlock like that?
Lesley Tilgate: I have an exclusive, Peter. It will.
Peter Levite: Are we hearing this here first?
Lesley Tilgate: That's the meaning of the word exclusive, and it's the word on the street. You are talking to the number one insider here.
Peter Levite: You have your exclusive sources near to the Lambeth Walk.
Lesley Tilgate: If you go there you find a shoe-shine boy outside, and he gets told everything by the clergy going in who have a bit of a buff-up on their footwear. So I have a bit of a buff-up too and pay the extra for the word on the street.
Peter Levite: We have something similar outside the City Hall. So what's the exclusive, the ending of the deadlock?
Lesley Tilgate: The word on the street is that we are going to have a giant tombola. It's costed £40 million so far to come to a deadlock and therefore the plan is to make this extension of the process self-financing and also more open.
Peter Levite: How many tickets can there be? There can only be a small number- one per candidate.
Lesley Tilgate: Books per candidate, Peter, and each person pays a pound and has a numbered ticket, choosing their favoured person. So there'll be a democratic element, because there might be more tickets for one candidate than another. The money is still on Justin R. Ewing and the money will literally be on Bishop Ewing. All the tickets go into one big barrel at the Lambeth Walk Palace and a paralympian gold medal winner will turn the barrel, put her or his arm in if he's got one and pull a ticket out.
Peter Levite: What does the person who bought the ticket win?
Lesley Tilgate: Dinner with the Archbishop-elect in which he will discuss his strategy for being the next Archbishop.
Peter Levite: Is that it?
Lesley Tilgate: It is paid for out of funds, Peter. These are austere times; the profits go towards the Archbishop's expenses.
Peter Levite: Pity we can't chose the weather forecasters this way.
George Hudson: Roll out the barrel, Peter. Barnsley station is a bit of a dive, isn't it. Used to have a line all the way to your neck of the woods, Peter, the direction of today's wind.
Peter Levite: Thank goodness they closed it, except for the high level line here. I suppose you've been looking at Sandy.
Lesley Tilgate: Have you finished with me?
Peter Levite: That's a leading question - yes, for now; goodbye, until we hear who's been pulled out of the barrel.
George Hudson: We'll get its remains over the North Pole with dreesed lightnin'.
Peter Levite: Let's hope the trains keep running. News time, and what about our exclusive? No?

No comments: