Peter Levite: Lesley on the line, again; Lesley Bloke, you are turning into our correspondent, all the way down south near Aldershit. What is this news about chocolate and religion?
Lesley Tilgate: I'm not called Lesley Bloke any more, Peter. I got married, remember. I'll get to the point.
Peter Levite: I appreciate that. My mistake, as ever.
Lesley Tilgate: Well for a long time we've had three purples in happy enough harmony. We've had purple now owned by the big Kraftwerk Corporation, now owner of Quakerchoc brands, and we've had Church in England bishops in purple and then a small Fairtrade company making its chocolate in purple wrappers for Christmas.
Peter Levite: And what's happened?
Lesley Tilgate: All of a sudden, the mighty corporate power of Kraftwerk has threatened a poor little company that it owns the colour purple.This is because its main chocolate bar, Autobahn, comes in a purple wrapper. It did when it was owned by Quakerchoc, but Quakerchoc had a more charitable outlook.
Peter Levite: So is the Church in England standing up for the Fairtrade chocolate maker?
Lesley Tilgate: Oh no, it is worried about itself. You see, anything that involves the colour purple, including books of that name, will have to send a payment to Kraftwerk. And with a strong possibility of women bishops, and their desire to wear purple fashionably, there could be extra expenses coming on to the Church in England. Each day a bishop wears purple, five pence needs to be sent to Kraftwerk. Bishops have to count how often they wear purple and on how many garments. Usually it just concerns a shirt. But women are likely to wear more than one item of purple - for example, women bishops wearing purple stockings, suspenders and knickers. That's fifteen pence a day before a top goes on, and add a purple bra and a top and you are up to twenty five pence a day - a fivefold increase in costs.
Peter Levite: This is potentially very expensive for your Church.
Lesley Tilgate: Well one strategy is to go for a reddish hue of purple that definitely cannot be said to be taking the hue of the Autobahn bar. But the word on the street is that the Church is going to counter-sue in the courts should Kraftwerk take action against the little guy, not out of sympathy but out of a relevant action to sort out the matter once and for all.
Peter Levite: Risky.
Lesley Tilgate: It is risky, but the lawyers say that we had the purple first, taken from the priests of Roman temples. Their priests wore purple, and as imperial bishops we - Catholicism - took on the purple. So Kraftwerk may well have to send us money every time they wrap a bar of Autobahn.
Peter Levite: Lucrative.
Lesley Tilgate: Could be, but then the Church in England could be sued by the Roman Catholics and Orthodox for having purple when they regard us as null and void. This the lawyers say would not stand up, because English courts have recognised the Old Catholics when one was accused of being a play-bishop by The Reflection newspaper. Cost it a lot of dosh.
Peter Levite: If your Church won, it could be quids in. Solve your pension fund for priests crisis, indeed wages for priests. Hah!
Lesley Tilgate: I think not, Peter. The lawyers say that the bishop's purple was always more towards the red end and that the Kraftwerk colour is the bluer end of purple. If this was established in court, then our new bishops could wear their stockings, suspenders, knickers, bra and tops at the red end of purple and not have to send 25 pence a day to Kraftwerk but then we'd get nothing from Kraftwerk either. The Fairtrade chocolate would then have to be at the redder end of purple.
Peter Levite: If you the listener has any opinion on this matter then do get in touch via texting and emailing in the usual way. Thank you Lesley and next up some news including that endless snog on stage between the Prime Minister and his wife after a half-week of Tory dog whistles.
George Hudson: I tell you, standing around in railway stations doing the weather forecasts, I need as much underwear on as I can, but I'm not sending money anywhere. Mine's all yellow, colour of the sun.
Lesley Tilgate: No it's not. Kraftwerk own yellow as well because it is the colour of their main margarine packaging, Can't Believe It Spreads. They'll be sending you an invoice if you admit to wearing yellow.
George Hudson: Well it's not sunny today, that's all I can say.