Thursday, 2 October 2008

Akky Nolo Speaks to His Synod

Speech by Archbishop Akky Nolo, Primate of The World to his Synod of Bishops:

I have called this extraordinary meeting, my bishops, to announce to you that the world is in deep crisis and it will take my extraordinary effort to put it right.

We have a confluence (I wish Martyn would use simpler words) of financial crisis, oil economy and sheep shagging that is bringing about the ruination of the world.

Last week, gentlemen, a sheep was arrested for trying to have sex with her farmer, a clear breach of authority down on that farm. The sheep, we learn, one located in the Black Country Ghetto, in England, was under deep psychological stress, in that it had overheard the farmer complaining about rising feed costs for his animals and oil costs for his tractor, and the sheep was worried that she might go to the slaughter house and thus plotted to gain the favour of her farmer. It is a dreadful tale and a warning to us all.

My bishops, this is the fruit of the decadence of the West, and now we see what God thinks about this decadence in causing its financial meltdown. Be under no illusion, the loss of biblical faith in the West is being punished as we speak. You have heard the wonderful Bishop in Carlisle, that this tide of sexual immorality has led to the rains coming from God, flooding England over and over again. There is no rainbow there, except the one the gays have - and why should they have it? This is happening in England - can you believe it, England - where our missionaries came from and planted the seed of faith in this land because they were then nothing but generous.

In those days, a man who was homosexual and bald was of reading about jail. That was severe discipline. The great universities, produced gentlemen, not homosexuals, many of whom came and taught us. Now we must teach them, for sexual colonialism is rife in Canterbury and we cannot have this, and indeed the nationalism of autonomous Anglican provinces is a sin to go alongside homosexualism. (Ask Chris if it is homosexualism.)

And multiculturalism has invaded the land of the Mother Church. Whilst banks are closing down because they have no money any more, mosques are opening up where banks used to be. There are new Hindu schools forcing Christian children to wear elephant heads when they attend their lessons. At night, in the large forests of England and Wales, and I think Scotland too, there are now witches lighting fires, and people naked singing and dancing and doing things that used to be banned for the sake of the people. Druids gather for Aye-steth-fodd aye (what?) and say dangerous poems in Wales.

We know what our Lord Jesus Christ would think about this: he would have none of it. They must all be cast out. This land of the Mother Church must be emptied of its immorality by we who have preserved the faith they brought to us, a faith we keep even when Muslims threaten us with violence - and I've told them they have no monopoly on violence my brother bishops.

There is, my bishops, a godly battle over there among the frankly godless, and it calls upon us now to do no less than colonise them. So bad is the situation, that the animals up and down that land are deeply distressed and could themselves be at the point of disobeying God - creating a whole new original sin amongst the animals forever more. We are surely going to see marriages between animals and humans in Western register offices and The Episcopal Church. The process has already begun, as we have seen, and yet it must not be allowed to happen. And this is the tip of the iceberg, as so many crimes go unreported, even here.

I travel to Britain frequently, when other Archbishops from around the world come to see me and ask me what we should do. I now propose that we tell Mr. Gordon Brown to resign his government and submit to African authority, where we can bring back clean government and a clean society to them. It is no longer enough simply to bring the headquarters of the Anglican Communion to our country, and send our missionaries to them. No, we must become colonialists.

We should also take over America. You see, a black man could become President and yet he is such a dangerous liberal. He believes in killing babies and not allowing people to hold guns and shoot each other. And if the government there cannot kill the evildoers, how can they have discipline in society? This Senator, Buy-Back Osama - yes, he would allow animals to marry humans. How could this be from a black man? How could it be that in order to have a sensible President they have to vote for a woman and from the cold of Alaska? Why is this madness taking over? Because God is punishing them, and he has made their banks fail. Mud grime mortgages they are called, and they have all become worthless. It is so bad that Americans can no longer live in their homes. Very soon, I hear, as well, thousands of bridges will collapse in that country, which will stop Americans travelling more than a few miles from their vacant falling-down houses. They will no longer be able to live or work. They too have vicious rains and because of the dustbowl food just will not grow. It will be like New Orleans in every city, town and village. Americans will start sneezing and everyone getting a cold. Imagine those original settlers to Rowley and Haverhill thinking that they were beginning such a nation that would turn its backs on God so that he brings them now homelessness, worklessness, famine and blowing their noses. No such punishment ever happened to the godly Puritans who went to be missionaries to the native Indians.

What is happening? Americans no longer living indoors, sheep and other animals marrying their farmers in Britain and America, are all surely evidence of the coming Parousia - Christ will have to return to restore society, to abolish all homosexuality, to allow people to live indoors, and turn those of us who preserved the one biblical faith for him into angels. But he cannot do it unless I help him, and so tomorrow I shall be meeting our National President to urge him to set up a task force to colonise America and Great Britain, and that I will do my part by setting up our Church in these places, and people will once again become like the Victorians or Puritans when they were good and godly missionaries with our African or Indian interests at heart.

These are indeed confused times, and I ask for your prayers in my mission to the world. We have a world in wreckage to take over and I have a job to do.

No comments: