A leading fundamentalist scholar, the Rev. Uther Offhisrock, has demanded that all shirts and blouses in shops should be sold with 39 buttons on them.
He said this would evangelise the nation by letting everyone remember that there were Thirty-nine Articles, and not just Eight Articles, like there are on his shirts at present.
The Fellowship of Shirt Makers and Blouse Designers said that such a requirement would lead to shirts and blouses going down to even a long person's feet, and some could trip over. It would lead to people looking like clergy; either that or having to stuff a lot of shirt into trousers and a lot of blouse into skirts. Women would be less affected as they can wear long dresses and these blouses could be alternatives, but although Rev. Uther Offhisrock added that his proposals might cover up a bit of cleavage it still did not allow for headship.
Rev. Uther Offhisrock said the whole point is to prevent barriers between worshippers in the pews and clergy at the front. "Everyone would look just as daft," he said, as he got his twentieth button stuck in the twenty first hole for the thirteenth time of doing up his cassock. He admitted that doing up his thirty nine cassock buttons frequently made him late for worship.
Meanwhile, the Rt. Rev. Barry Broadchurch, a bit less of an evangelical than Uther Offhisrock, and a member of Evangelicals-Light, demanded that clergy and laity wore wellies during worship, so that they all looked less like wallies. This would be distinctive dress and give a real sense of shared holiness, said Bishop Broadchurch, especially when the church roof was leaking. Last year he called for the wearing of sou'westers when people faced east. Asked about this he said he had "not repented" of this suggestion and that the wellies idea was in addition. One was for being dripped on, and the other was for standing in the water.
He said wellies were also practical for Fresh Expressions, when people were worshipping in the pub.
A spokesperson at Church House explained that the Church of England was undergoing a nervous breakdown at present and that various bishops and clergy were either likely to make very silly suggestions or be worried about their own and others' genital activities.
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