Jesus on Nigerian Daytime Television

Aki Nolo's Wordwork Hour

Archbishop Aki Nolo: Hello, and welcome to Aki Nolo's Wordwork Hour. Your friendly Archbishop Carpenter is going to show you today how to makes a cabinet in which you can keep all your valuable things. And today I have a special guest, Jesus. Jesus. Tell me about yourself.

Jesus: I am Yeshua, born in Capernaum, and when I was 30 ran a small movement of followers for a year until the authorities in Jerusalem got me.

Archbishop Aki Nolo: Not according to my book. You were born in Bethlehem and I thought you were busy for three years.

Jesus: If you say so. By the way, I thank you for getting me back to be on your programme.

Archbishop Aki Nolo: For you the viewers we have a little competition on the programme, to see which one of us produces the better cabinet. See, both of us were carpenters. Jesus, here is your saw, some nails and a hammer and there is some hardwood over there for you. I have here my computer controlled pre-designed flat pack creating cutter kindly donated by my American and British script writers into which I can feed this fantastic pre-produced MDF. So Jesus, I wonder who will produce the best cabinet?

Jesus: Who said I was a carpenter doing things like this?

Archbishop Aki Nolo: The Bible.

Jesus: I'm in the Bible? Gosh. Is there a new book in it?

Archbishop Aki Nolo: You are very famous. Would you like to begin?

Jesus: Well, if it said I was a carpenter it was wrong. The translation must be too specific. I was a builder. I just learnt how to cut things up and put them together, wood, stone, produce of the fields - just put a roof over people's heads, you know, kept them cool and kept them warm. You know when I taught things I used some building metaphors.

Archbishop Aki Nolo: The Bible is never wrong, you know.

Jesus: Have you got one I can look at?

Archbishop Aki Nolo: There's a spare one over here because we read it at the end of the programme when there is a moral to what we have been doing.

Jesus: Well thank you very much; I'm fascinated.

Archbishop Aki Nolo: Can you look at it afterwards? You have a cabinet to make on my programme. Are you ready? The clock will count down 45 minutes and the studio audience will cheer us along and vote at the end. So the clock starts... now! OK, so I pick up this big piece already measured of MDF and now some people will help me operate the computer and use the correct design. Please welcome my friends Chris Sugar Daddum and Marty Mints!

Jesus: Quite a jagged edge on this saw. Must be a miracle how you got that done. So let me look at the wood here. That's some hard stuff there.

In one part of the studio the flat pack designs are cut out instantly by Aki Nolo's two helpers and laid down on the floor. In another Jesus is looking at the saw and then the wood, but gets distracted by the Bible so sits down cross legged by a studio curtain and starts to read it.

Jesus: Who on earth is this Paul character? He seems to have got it all wrong. It's not about me at all, but about God.... Hang on, my folks the Jews and these new people seem to be in dispute here. Well that's hardly what I was doing. What's happened to the family? Gosh, if I go back here it tells me how I was born. What, he wasn't my dad? Hang on, it then says he was; how many generations? He never said that. He just told me to get an honest job and stop spouting all that rubbish - it will do me no good. He seems to disappear later on here. Oh Mum was there... Sounds like a riotous wedding, that one. No no, there was plenty to drink. Dum de dum. Oh, I don't remember that trial. How's me woman featuring in this?

Archbishop Aki Nolo: Huh huh Jesus you won't get far with your cabinet sitting there like that. You'd better get sawing, Jesus. You know, viewers, Jesus and I both share this ever so 'umble background of being a carpenter and being raised up by God to be mighty leaders. I have produced a Church that is magnificent in all that it does, and there is no one to equal me. Jesus here was a pretty good Christ in his own right too, though he seems to be a bit forgetful.

Jesus: Well I remember saying something like this here, but not all at once, and not up a hill. Hang on, just turn some pages. Oh I wasn't up a hill but on a plain. Well I wasn't on that either. What a funny book! No no no, it wasn't like that when we had a bit of fish and bread. They missed a bit out when they went fishing and some brought in some bread baskets. Good picnic though, I enjoyed it.

Aki Nolo walks off to see how the folks are dealing with the flat pack product, but unfortunately they are having trouble putting it together, because the instructions aren't as clear as they might be. Meanwhile there is a "pssst" coming from behind the studio curtain.

Local craftsman: Jesus, come to the curtain. I saw you were coming on to the programme last week and I knew what he'd do, so I've made you a cabinet out here. Beautiful hardwood too. It's a gift - make sure it goes to an orphanage afterwards. You carry on reading, friend. Is everyone ready?

Just then the lights dipped and two hefty men brought the cabinet through the curtains. Then they left with the supplied hardwood and the lights came up again.

Archbishop Aki Nolo: Don't panic my audience friends. You knows I said to this place get its own generators so we don't have power cut when my programme goes out. I am that sort of leader. I hope they did as I instructed, and if they didn't there will be hell to pay. I plan ahead, viewers, and I make things happen. Now what is the problem with the flat pack? No no don't worry Chris and Marty because I'll go see what Jesus is doing because I bet he has a lot to do... Let's just sees... Oh shit. Floor manager! Stop stop, stop this now! Don't put the camera on that!

Floor Manager: Control! Stop it. Pull the plugs. We'll record it. Well, blame it on a power cut. I know what he said! Well we didn't, so blame it on a power cut.

Aki Nolo gestures towards a camera operator and walks closer to Jesus; a camera follows.

Jesus: I just never said this, didn't infer it, don't want it. What on earth is all this stuff about? I mean, I appreciate it, but it is nothing about what I wanted people to do. I just helped them along for what was to come, though it seems it didn't come did it.

Archbishop Aki Nolo: How did you do that?

Jesus: I laid on hands and so did my friends.

Archbishop Aki Nolo: We've stopped the programme. I'm not having this. We'll record it and get the flat pack done. Right. Well, before I send you back, can you come here Jesus. Stand up man.

Jesus: Sure. I'll get up.

Archbishop Aki Nolo: Now record this. Shake my hand Jesus. Yes, well let me say, well done, nice try, you managed to get this done with your saw but you were beaten by the precision and the speed of the computer. But thank you very much and we'll see if next week a new contestant can prove victorious over your Archbishop. Well you might as well take that cabinet to my house, and when they have finished doing the flat pack film that. Get the audience voting for me, or use a previous week. Let the orphanage have the flat pack if it must.

Jesus: I suggest you do it the other way around, Archbishop. Because I will be meeting you later. And by the way, this continued to go out live, just as you've done it.

Floor manager: We pulled the plugs.

Jesus: I know. It continued to go out live.

Archbishop Aki Nolo: I see. You are here just to cause trouble. You know we put people in prison for far less in Nigeria. I send you back now and I tell you this, I won't meet you again.

Jesus: It was me who decided to come here for your programme. You neither brought me here, nor will you be the one sending me back. But I am going back, and, as I said, I will see you later Archbishop. You'd better now address your audience here and watching at home and offer an explanation. I'm leaving now, and going to speak to a local craftsman to say thank you before I go home. Viewers, you have seen the work of a skilled man. I wish you all well.