Thursday, 3 June 2010

Kathy Duffs Up the Ol' Colonialist

Hi everyone. It's your Presiding Bishop here, coming in with an even later Pentecost message than the one from the old duffer in that little ancestral island across the Atlantic, east of Ireland. And don't forget that I approve of this message. Okay okay, here we go, and the one day festival is something that goes on and on, for we live by the Spirit over here in these parts.

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But let's not beat about the bush. He's just a colonialist, isn't he! Let's cut to the quick. Never mind the Archbishop of Anglicanism at Lord Charles's Memorial pissed as a newt doing the old Church of England feudalism act. And ah know about newts. Well, tell you what, we are mighty pissed off with this Archbishop of Colonial Anglicanism.

He's like imposing one view, his view. Can ah put this diplomatically? No, what the hell. What the hell, let's sock it to him! Pentecosh, as he called it, is about right - Pentecosh over the head. Pentecost was lots of languages, and what the Spirit says, not what the spirit does when it makes you incoherent like he is, and that's when he comes up with a "sobering thought".

And he's a bureaucrat of one Church, he thinks, but it is not a Church, is it, this Communion so-called, whereas we look at some other Anglicans in their diversity, and further to the Old Catholics (who are a bit new when ya think about it) and those Lutherans who long ago stopped being as anti-semitic as their founder.

We are a big tent, and in that little corner are the traditionalists, where the Archbishop seems to be kicking at one of our pegs so they can relate to him under the gap, whereas over in his tent there are lots of people about to seek out the beer in the Roman tent over the river.

Does he even know his own history? Seems not, the old duffer. Let me tell him about the Elizabethan Settlement. Wasn't that diversity in unity? But that Synod of Whitby, Jeez, I'll take that as unfortunate conformity, though wow what we'd have all been if it had never happened! I love a bit of the old Celtic, and tell that to the old Celtic! Fancy having a Celtic as a colonialist: doesn't he know his own history?

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Yee hi here we go! Let's do a bit of the old Bible quote stuff too, just like he does. Jeeesus says, "Listen, you godda wait for more later. The invisible man is sending an invisible Spirit, like the wind." Now put that in your pipe and smoke it, like the Indians do that we once squashed, and them naturist Hawaiians. Can't wait for that consecration service, where you can ah'll turn up in the nud and smoke yer pipes of peace to hide yer embarrassments in the imaginary smoke.

Look here old timer, we don't discriminate, and that's that. God a problem with that? Some do, but there ya go. We elect ours and that means the odd gay and lesbian, who cares, and that's a darned sight better than your monarchical nudge nudge wink wink say no more system of keeping your private parts under the cassock.

He's tryin' to sideline us, distresses us even, that he sanctions what we do in public when he doesn't sanction what others, like his lot, do in private, under their cassocks.

We've not made these decisions lightly, but you can stuff them where the light don't shine if the light don't shine where you are.

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If you wanna talk to us, talk to us, an' we'll talk to us, an' we might even talk to yee, but don't bring your fucking colonialist attitudes our way you stuck up hairy monster. Like ah say, if you don't like it, shove it.

That Pentecosh letter is all about centralising. Well no way. We know our history. Remember your Church of Scotland - oh fuck, did ah call it that? Do I know our own history? - well history when Soapy Sam came over, given what John Wesley couldn't be darned bothered to do for the Methodists. At least we had legitty bishops from that start, from that, no it wasn't the Church of Scotland was it. It was that one the Queen was ignored by, no? Do I know the history, hell I thought ah did.

Now look that fourth part of the Covenant; it is about as controlling as a set of traffic lights on the interstate highway. He tries to assure us otherwise, this colonialist, but you can't pull the wool over our eyes. We Americans ain't thick, you know, despite being a little bit thin on ah labellings, and I'm a microbiologist, where we scientists know something or other about research and truth than all this Christianity detail stuff like he keeps interpreting to the point where we are clueless as to what he means if we can be bothered to read it any more.

Well ya ahll know what I mean. I'm not into all this coded Oxbridge intellectual talking, like the good scientist that I am. I mean we're here having it this way - transparent communication we call it - and not his definition of Anglicanism as coded submeanings held from the laity in continuous double-talk.

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And another thing. Them that gets baptised is them that gets ministered. None of this clericalism here. We cut our bishops down to size, and at the same time anyone with their head wetted can be one, gay, straight, man, woman or even Hawaiian in the nuddy. That's our hospitality, not our NHS and bureaucracy.

And we also send theology in all its varieties into the laity too: none of this keep it in the academic room and pretend to be more orthodox than you are. We remember the old Rowanov when he was Rowan, the one at least consistent in public with his private thoughts. Let's face it, the old colonialist may as well be artificial intelligence, a robot of rules for the Anglican Communion, than a biological being with some cultural consistency.

Let's hope people get transformed, but not like he has been.

In friendship and with the utmost clarity:

Kathy Jefferson Shoreline, a full on bishop (just for his benefit). Goodnight now all you listeners.

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Wow! Whadayya make a' that, listeners? Time to hear some music, it's Jefferson Starship and...


-frank said...

Ha ha, thanks for the entertainment!

Dennis said...

So many meaningless anti-American cliches, so little space. Must have been fun for a few minutes, though. A pity, really.

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

Fun comes in little packages, Dennis.

susan s. said...

I like this, Adrian, but I must say that the Southern Accent you give her is totally over the top. She was born in Pensacola, Florida, but that is not necessarily The South. Her family moved fairly early in her life to New Jersey which is anything but the South. Otherwise, you have it all correct, I think.

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

We British see American accents as combinations of East Anglia and the South West (and with good reason) and the Australian accent is more London. I've over done the accent, but satire means overdoing it. Also it is a lot harder to do satire on those you agree with, where the main point to bring out was her missile aimed directly at Williams.

susan s. said...

Well, I will admit that the missile was right on target and you surely brought that out! I liked listening to her deliver this letter. She is a very calm person and now that I think about it, your accent was perfect for bringing that out.