John Sendmehome: I always have time for an interview, even a quick one.
Interviewer: Disappointed about the Synod?
John Sendmehome: Time to move on. You know you put in an amendment to get it passed. When it isn't, OK, keep going. A guy goes into a pub with part of the York ring road under his arm. He says, "I'll have one for me and one for the road."
Interviewer: Why do you have that funny name?
John Sendmehome: Because when I was a toddler in the village my mum wanted me back in case I got lost. Bet she didn't think I'd end up here. Know what I saw the other day? There's this blind guy in a shop in Harrogate, picked his dog up and was swinging it around by the tail. Shopkeeper asks, "Can I help?" and he says, "No, just looking around."
Interviewer: Talking of which, on the same continent as your origins, Nicky Okoh down in Pokey Poko is saying students shouldn't come to the Western universities for their first degrees because they might become homosexuals. He states that homosexuality is equivalent to paedophilia. How are you in communion with him?
John Sendmehome: I am in communion with him through the Anglican Communion Office. An American Episcopalian bishop came to a meeting in Britain and said, after, "Can you recommend a good port?" and I said "Yes, Southampton."
Interviewer: And you will aim towards having women bishops while the Vatican categorises the ordination of women as an offence in the same category as paedophilia, a 'most serious crime'. How are ecumenical relationships with Rome?
John Sendmehome: Well it is an ecclesiastical model that impresses Rowanov, you know. Like a man goes into a sperm bank in Leeds and says, "I'll make a deposit." Two hours later he comes back to the nurse full of sweat and his arms hurt. "What happened?" she asked. He said, "I used my left hand, my right hand, hot water - couldn't get the lid off."
Interviewer: Rome and Anglicanism surely are now very far apart. Do you think via this extraordinary language that Rome is now reassuring the Anglicans crossing to ordinariates that they will never encounter ordained women priests never mind bishops?
John Sendmehome: A woman Anglican walks into a Catholic church and says to the priest, "Can you help me out?" The priest says, "Same way as you came in." Here's one for the Scottish cardinal. A woman walks into a sex shop and asks for a vibrator. He says, "What colour do you want? Blue, cream, white, yellow?" She says, "I'll have that tartan one." He says, "You can't have that - that's my thermos flask."
Interviewer: Thank you for your insights into Church affairs.
John Sendmehome: Quasimodo went into a pub and asked for a whisky. "Bells alright?" "Mind your own business," he replied.