On the Radio

Radio Eboracum's Peter Levite: Archbishop of the North, thank you for coming in for a quick interview.

Archbishop of the North: I am always available. Have you got a BBC plane I can jump from?

Peter Levite: Can you explain your bizarre recent Synod voting figures, where you abstained on everything except your own amendment? Your own amendment to something you abstained from! You did vote against recommittal to the revision committee, but what sort of leadership is this?

Archbishop of the North: Well as Archbishop I sometimes need to pastor to everyone on all sides of the argument. I'm really just an ordinary clergyman, you know. York Cathedral had a sermon lasting two hours. "Was that a record?" I was asked. "No," I said, "it was me speaking."

Peter Levite: Yet the Bishop of Beverley voted for, for, for, for and for.

Archbishop of the North: He's for a lot. The Bishop of Beverley went into a pub with the jump lead from his car. He said, "One drink for me and one for my good friend the jump lead." The publican said, "OK but tell your friend not to start anything."

Peter Levite: He showed more leadership than you. Yes or no?

Archbishop of the North: Two peanuts went into the same pub, not looking to start any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Peter Levite: Now there's your Bishop Okoh of Pokey Poko Nigeria who said recently, "Same-sex marriage, paedophilia and all sexual perversions should be roundly condemned by all who accept the authority of Scripture over human life." How can you agree with that joined up categorisation? He's been in America, called boundary crossing in your Anglican Communion, complaining that he could be in trouble for that as an 'evangelical initiative' when others are doing things unbiblical, as he puts it. What do you say to that?

Archbishop of the North: Pervasions, he said. Who knows what he meant. A gay man has a strawberry stuck up his bum and goes to the local surgery. The doctor says, "I'll give you some cream to put on that."

Peter Levite: Come back to you in a minute. Time to have the weather with George Hudson down at York station. Tell us the worst.

George Hudson: That Rowanov Treetri, he looks a bit like Father Abraham.

Peter Levite: I'm glad you said that.

Archbishop of the North: What, our grand patriarch of the Jews who came from Ur?

Peter Levite: Err?

George Hudson: No, not him: Father Abraham of the Smurfs.

Peter Levite: Lah lah la-la-la-la la-la lah la, lah lah la-la-la-la la la lah la, la la lah. Give us the weather.

George Hudson: It's raining. By the way, you were spotted eating a sandwich in a sandwich bar yesterday.

Peter Levite: Thank you! Speak to you later. Archbishop, then, you've got this guy, the Bishop of Poorborough, wishes he was a rich man, who says that 'a Code of Practice will not do' and there is no reason we should change our minds. He says that the landscape in the Church of England for traditional Catholics and Evangelicals will be bleak. Is that true - yes or no?

Archbishop of the North: Rich, poor? He's very ordinariate. The Bishop of Poorborough has a fetish for exhaust pipes. He loves to look under cars and he can tell you all sorts about them. Bit icky if you ask me. He's a Catholic ick converter.

Peter Levite: On the reformed side is Reform itself, led by Rodney Doubt. He says there's a need for a complimentary bishop.

Archbishop of the North: Not so. No no. He said he wants a bishop who says to evangelicals, 'You did that well,' and, 'You did that well.' He was quite specific. He wrote that he wanted a complementary bishop. Who knows what he meant. It's like this man said to a woman in the pub, "You have the shape of a pepper pot," and she said, "I'll take that as a condiment."

Peter Levite: And all that's about women. Like with Okoh in Pokey Poko, you've the gay issue as well.

Archbishop of the North: A chap had a male satchel and a female satchel. He loved them both. He was bisatchel. He tried to put himself in one. He could hardly contain himself.

Peter Levite: The fact is that pubs are more popular than churches and they are in decline too. People now go shopping on Sundays.

Archbishop of the North: Two people from Tesco go into the pub and the publican still says he wants no trouble, observe the bar code. They say, "We've got your bar code." So the drinker alongside, hearing they've got the bar code, asks, "Are you two an item?" and they say together, "BOGOF."

Peter Levite: So what do you think? Do you agree with the Archbishop or do you think he is unsure? And what about his flat cap? Let us know by text or email. We've got a text vote. Is the Archbishop of the North a true Yorkshireman? Should he be able to play cricket for Yorkshire? Send your text vote in, yes or no, and we'll reveal the results tomorrow. Archbishop, thank you for talking to us.

Archbishop of the North: A drunk comes out of that bar and passes two lady priests going in with time on their hands. Hey, now who said that?

Peter Levite: Who said... What? Competition time!

Archbishop of the North: Who said "lady priests" attending General Synod "have time on their hands."

Peter Levite: What's the prize?

Archbishop of the North: DVD of the most recent General Synod.

Peter Levite: I bet that's a popular one. Oh leave the answer with me, Archbishop. Leave it with Levite. Answers by this time tomorrow. Text or email in.

Archbishop of the North: A drunk comes out of that pub and passes two lady priests with time on their hands. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." One says, "No you're not: he rose again and ascended into heaven," and then the other says, "Well it's a story." He says "Look, I can prove it," and walks into the pub in between the priests. The publican takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

Peter Levite: Thank you Archbishop John Sendmehome and have a good day.