Questions to Synod

In the Church in England Synod, the questions are all answered by the Archbishops although other bishops hand them notes. They are also entitled to make speeches and delagate answers. Anyone can ask questions as prearranged and there are timed speeches in debates.

Andrew Godbad: What are the considerations of the bishops' thinking when it comes to assisted dying, and should the Synod have a debate.

Archbishop of England: Our considerations are that we have already made up our minds about this matter, and we do not want to assist people to die by having a synod debate. Each year people debating in Synod have near death experiences that are reported as remarkably unpleasant. Sorry if I look interested.

Giles Godgood: Why are there no women in the working group on human sexuality and civil partnerships?

Archbishop of England: We had not a small number of chaps to choose from and the question was shall we leave him or him out so we can include her and her, and on further consideration we decided no we could not leave him or him out. We did check that none of the hes will be batting for the other side, so to speak, so that even if they are on the other male team there'll be a quietness to their contribution. But we will hear outsiders, if anyone wants to talk to us, but la-di-da-di-da we're not listening.

Giles Godfrey: What about the listening process when it comes to civil partnerships, blessings and clergy?

Archbishop of the North: Well cladgy can talk to us but they cannot open their chaches to religious civil partnership ceremonies. Even bishops cannot do this. Dic-tattors might try but we have centuries of tradition and understanding and we don't want to upset the whacking class. We listen hard to the whacking class and their fish and chip eating, so it's not going to be about bananas and fruits and other delicacies. It's a matter of soul searching, if we can find one.

Rachel Marsovenus: Derby has just said No to the Anglican Communion Covenant and in fact so has a majority of dioceses so far. Does this mean that the Covenant has failed to achieve the consensus of the Church?

Archbishop of England: The dioceses have certainly failed to take account of the leadership of the bishops and archbishops. They should read the ordinal. This is an international matter and too serious to be scuppered by the people of the Church in England. So on return to the Synod there will be an Archbishops' amendment and a return to the dioceses, and if the dioceses still refuse to accept the Covenant then I shall suspend the constitution and introduce Episcopal Law.

Ha Ha Hartley: Will you introduce Episcopal Law if your Amendment on Co-Respondent Bishops, male and female, is not accepted and implemented, that we go for a vote in July as usual?

Archbishop of England: Male and female he made them. I would like to see a situation where if there is a woman bishop then a man is available from above to oversee the congregations that remain a bit funny about a woman holding on to Christ's body, like Mary did, or indeed a man bishop where there is concern that a woman was involved when he became bishop. And two heads are better than one, though theologically speaking if not in secular society a woman has less than one head. But the international implications are nothing if not without equal complexity and therefore I propose not to introduce Episcopal Law.

John Communards asked: Did the Equality Act come into it in deciding that even non-bonking gay clergy can't be bishops, not really? Do we butt-plug ourselves into silence?

Archbishop of England: I nominate Bishop Nicholas Texas Holdem.

Bishop Nicholas Texas Holdem: And-plug I'd want to say. This is a sticky wicket. I would not want to innovate teaching on any of these matters, but in listening I might end up talking differently from brother (and maybe later sister) bishops. The objection against John Jeffrey was his teaching as much as who he is, was, or is yet to be, but then by talking out of turn I make myself vulnerable to the same false teaching la-di-da nonsense that the so called non-homophobes accuse him, which is a way they get out of jail free and do not pay £200. I prefer the dog or the hat, by the way: I seem to buy more hotels this way. But no, yes, the Equality Act gives us lots of exemptions by which we can merrily say all sorts of things under the cloak of religion like we don't want him and we don't want her, at least her or her in the future, so to speak.

May Barry asked: Who do you listen to, what about, and what effect does it have?

Archbishop of the North: We listen to asselves manly, and accazionally cladgy. Laeety less sa because they ah that whacking class and middle class and mat disagree.

Archbishop of England: Your accent is noticably less clear than its evolution in the York area until recently.

Archbishop of the North: Avv been in Jamaica, but she volunteered, m'ladship your honour. As an outsider, I was asked wat I think of the humman rass? I had no answer to that but traditions.

Rosie Violin: How shall we strengthen the role of marriage then, even if limited between the tradition of man and woman?

Archbishop of the North: Ah think we put up the fees, by a lot.