Pastoral Letter of Exit from Your Evangelising Bishop
Our Friends in the South,
It was King Alfraed who protected the English from the Danes, who had threatened by their invasion and their people to destroy what the English had already become. The Danelaw Line was drawn, north of which was a no go area for the English at that time like so many of the northern cities are now. But through time, and through learning, and through the institutions built up by Alfraed, the Danelaw melted against the superior power of English culture, and English proved once again to be the dominant language and culture over the British land (except in Wales, where the people are different, and over Scotland, where the people are historically complicated).
Thus today we have faced the same threat, this time from immigration and a foreign religion, and I have been here doing the small part that I can to promote and protect the English from attack, just as the Danes were held at bay. I am, of course, of Pakistani origin and have seen how Islam works in my previous place of abode and bishoping, and seen how the Qur'an at its best gives insight into the strengths of Christianity, and what we must do to protect this country's culture and especially its religion which informs the English who they are, rather than have some wet multiculturalism and a damp climate that says all religions are equal. But, as I have already announced, I must leave you now, and leave with Kent and the South better than I found it, and I can safely say that there are no no-go areas here, except of course in Canterbury where I wanted to be instead and had to settle for second best nearby. But please read on - and fear not.
I give no apologies for making convenient use of what some of my misguided theological colleagues call 'secular theology'. The sociologist Peter Berger has laid out the problem. He talks of secularised theology when he talks about religionists who give in to the culture: the so called progressives who just throw in their lot. That is all they do. And then he talks about the negotiators, those who trade off credal details of our great faith while identifying apparent essentials. He has most contempt for this position, when you read him closely. But he has most praise, as a sociological strategy, for those who are conservative with their faith, who resist the march of culture, and how, in the face of the homeless mind, this offers most identity to the religion of this land: the religion as once delivered to the saints indeed.
We can dismiss the real secular theologians, as they give up every scrap of identity for a mess of postmodern pottage. It is a scandal that they even occupy our ministry, for there is little of laity entertained by their presence. But those who negotiate, they have created virtually another religion by their dabbling with the secular and the Pagan that once covered this land and contributed to English culture and superstition.
Ladies and gentlemen - and that covers everyone by gender and sex - we defend our religion of the English and maybe the British along with all the other institutions of this land, such as royalty, of course, but also and especially the family. And by family I mean a biological father and a mother, just like Jesus had. I mean fathers and mothers even on benefits in high rise or out of town estates taking responsibility for the children they have and perhaps ought to think about first. What I do not mean is father and father, taking a child from some uncaring of her offspring donating mother, or some Pagan mother and mother, asking for a donation of sperm from a convenient man who is irresponsible to the world. These will do nothing for the future of English culture, and indeed these so-called partnerships that the state misguidedly recognises are going to lead inevitably to a decline in the birth rate (beyond such bizarre conception arrangements) to a point where the English cannot reproduce themselves and English culture is further threatened.
But I do have to leave you. Fear not, however, for I am not going far. I have a new mission where I believe I can be more effective. Yes I can travel the world, being like my own version of the British Council. But I will be here, and doing what Peter Berger finds most logical.
I will uphold those who confess Anglicanism in its strict and Biblical variety. You see, the negotiators, the liberals, now have this virtual religion, and we have the proper and original one. We have the one that Alfraed would have upheld in his defence of the English. And if we need to bypass and upturn the established Church in order to do it, and be another Henry VIII to smash its cosy institutions, then so be it. Because we must root out the cancer of revisionism, and as the Queen of Hearts who made the tarts said, you cannot make an omelette without cracking eggs. And yes it would have been different if Canterbury was not for me a no-go area; but God moves as God wishes to move and so I need the freedom to depart this cement of the English and yet to inject into it a fellowship of believers who will, over time, but needed from now, water down the effect of the New Danes on this land. The New Danelaw will be defeated.
It will not be easy. Let me be clear about this. The broken night of the Church of England is coming to a close and its loneliness of belief from God, and the expressions of faith that have become torture must end, because we need absolute control over every living soul and that's an order. We have to root out the culture of drugs like crack cocaine and the scourge of anal sex, and stuff that up the hole of the culture we seek to replace. Leave the permissive society to a small place in Berlin, and rebuild its Wall around it, and bring back for them Stalin and for the rest of us the costly and wonderful insight of St. Paul. If we do not then, believe me, Armageddon will come, our own version, and things will slide and slide and you just won't be able to measure anything anymore when the blizzard of the world comes to these shores. So we will have to say repent, repent, to any gays, even if they know longer know what it meant, for we do say this. And to everyone. Now, I am from a Muslim background and I understand the Bible, and nations may fall and rise, for example the Abbasid Dynasty after singing Waterloo and ending with Thank You for the Music, but it will offer the way through while others find everything coming to a halt - and believe me it will be murder. So we Christians must keep the wheels of heaven turning and take the crop off the Devil to get ready for the future. And to do this, everyone will have to repent, repent, even if they don't know what it meant. And why are we doing this? Because we are trying to uphold the Western Code, to stop our private lives from exploding, so that the white man can carry on dancing and the woman will not have to cover up her features like they do in Islamic countries under a different culture and the New Danelaw. We say keep the poets that made the English culture what it had become before all this negotiating, all this madness, that makes us instead like Charlie Manson. Where is it all sliding to otherwise? Another Hiroshima, if we are not careful, and of course abortion after abortion. No, the English need to begin to love their children again and to have many more of them, and not to have a future of murder, and it is time to repent and repent, even if they don't know what it meant.
But our institutions are riddled with the cancer of another virtual religion, and have become buggered up and anally retentive, so much so that up north is no-go for people like me, and this needs overturning by a vanguard of truth. At the moment we are so downtrodden, that I need to minister to such oppressed Christians, but as we sign on to the fellowship, we will become the leading edge of the coming revolution and I urge you to sign up and take over the evangelical world to this effect.
So of course we welcome gays, so long as they repent and become something else and become partners of the opposite sex and have lots of children and instill in them a good, solid, muscular Christianity of heterosexuality like we once did in our historic public schools. And if we do this, all else will come right, and our civilisation will return.
For I shall be there leading you, our troops, for the second great rescue of this land. For this land is your land and this land is my land, from the Isle of Wight to Shetland, from Nottingham Forest to the Gulf Stream waters, and this land was made for you and me. And let me say to close that I was driving rapidly south on the A1 highway, and saw above me an endless skyway, and ahead a golden valley and believed that this land was made for you and me. Yes I have roamed and rambled and I've followed my footsteps from the Islamic sands of its diamond deserts and all around me a voice of God was sounding that this land here was made for you and me. And, everyone, the sun was shining as I pressed the accelerator, with the wheat fields passing and the police sirens calling, as the fog was lifting and a voice came chanting, "What speed do you think you were doing sir?" For as I was driving I'd passed a sign there and the sign said a camera and we'll get your speed now, and on the other side it went 'flash flash' - and that that side was made for you and me! And so in the courts of the city, in the shadow of the church steeple, down from the Jobcentre, I see my people, and some are grumbling and some are asking, if this country is still that land of liberty that Alfraed once declared.
Thank you, and man the barricades, and I will see you there.
[Using: Leonard Cohen, The Future © and Woody Guthrie, This Land is Your Land © 1956 (renewed 1984), 1958 (renewed 1986) and 1970 TRO-Ludlow Music, Inc. (BMI)]