Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Pope Interviewed

Radio Chadderbox gets an exclusive pre-visit interview in Rome.

Lara Crofter: Listeners will be pleased to know that I have been doing my homework and I am privileged to have been selected to conduct an interview with Cardinal Joshie Rapsinger-Adolphus, who is the first pope. In the spirit of accu-medical relationships, em, I also welcome a Church in England archbishop, of the North, John Sendmehome, partly because Rowanov Treetri said he was busy.

John Sendmehome: He said he didn't want to be offensive. So he asked me to come instead.

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus I, (Joshua Allo-Allo Rapsinger): I am not zis person you mentioned. I am no longer a cardinal. I am Pope Benedictus-Adolphus, the first Pope with zis name, and I only use my former name when I write my books that are not necessarily the opinions of ze Pope, which is me.

Lara Crofter: And so you were a cardinal.

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: I voz, Cardinal Joshua Allo-Allo Rapsinger.

Lara Crofter: And you were then perfect for the Council of the Doctrine of the Faith.

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: No I vos not. I vas Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, not perfect - though I was a good choice.

Lara Crofter: But you are perfect now.

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: In certain conditions, on certain rulings, I am perfectly infallible, but this does not include when I write my books, necessarily.

Lara Crofter: It says here that both of you were dissidents against your former repressive regimes. You, Benedictus-Adolphus, joined the Hitler Youth, and then the Army, but deserted when the war was nearly over. You, John, were a dissident of Idi Amen.

John Sendmehome: Not Amen. Idi Amin.

Lara Crofter: Sorry. Adi Amin then. He thought he was the King of Scotland, didn't he, so you came to England.

John Sendmehome: Not quite that reasoning, no.

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: I vos fortunate that my father was anti-Nazi.

John Sendmehome: A man ran away from joining the army, and a nun said, "Hide under my robes." So he did and commented on her fine pair of legs. The Nun said, "Yes but don't look any higher, because I am dodging conscription too."

Lara Crofter: Pope Benedictus-Adolphus - can I call you Benny Adolph?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: No you may not. Remember zat my ministry is based on the rock of Peter.

Lara Crofter: Yeah, I like what Peter Gabriel sings too. Now your up and coming visit is costing the taxpayer a pretty penny. Why don't you stay away?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: Because I vant to see my flock and also orn ze British of the danger of relativism.

Lara Crofter: I thought Catholics were in favour of lots of children; I mean if you get lots of children you have lots of aunties and uncles, surely.

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: By relativism I mean where one apparent truth is substitutable for another.

John Sendmehome: Here's a question for relativity: why do couples with children feel sorry about people who have no children, and couples with no children feel sorry for couples with children?

Lara Crofter: Recently the British government in a memo suggested that you should be asked to open an abortion clinic, bless a gay marriage and launch a range of Benedict-branded condoms. Do you detect any sense of hostility in coming to visit this country?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: I think it was an internal Foreign and Commonwealth Office role play, for which I have prayed forgiveness for the people involved, and no doubt such that is similar regarding that attitude is something that John Henry Newman can intercess for in ze future. I would point out that, over and over again, political figures have invited me to your country: even Gordon Brown when he was only Chancellor and, after all, your taxes are paying a large part towards my visit.

John Sendmehome: A child was told to pray to God if he wanted a bicycle, so he did but never got one. Then he went to church and heard people praying to say sorry. So he realised his mistake, nicked one and then prayed he was sorry.

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: So let me say why I am coming. I am going to beatify John Henry Newman near where you used to make cars, and thus emphasise the place of your country in the Catholic tradition. Once some deacon in the United States said his backache was cured by a prayer to Newman, we were able to say he performed a miracle and my visit could go ahead.

Lara Crofter: Isn't that all a bit superstitious?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: It is supernatural, but the supernatural can be approached rationally, like looking for evidence that we need.

Lara Crofter: Don't we now prefer the reasoning of someone like Richard Dawkins, who wrote The Origin of Species?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: I want to avoid him, in case he attempts to arrest me. He vont pay £25 to my Church to get in to ze event, so I should be all right there. Incidentally, I sink if he wrote The Origin of Species he would be very old now and incapable of arresting me. I am only 83 by comparison, and could run away faster.

Lara Crofter: Shouldn't you have retired by now: put your feet up like?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: Vee popes become incapable, die and only then are vee replaced. Unless ve die before vee become incapable, like my predecessor but one who lasted 33 days.

Lara Crofter: Jesus?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: Zat vas 33 years, probably.

Lara Crofter: You've ballsed up the paedophile business, haven't you? There is to be a 'Nope Pope' rally in Hyde Park, proceeds going to the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests.

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: I could send my own contribution. I am not implicated in any cover-up. My actions at the time of my responsibility to do something were not inadequate.

Lara Crofter: You face opposition from activists against paedophilia, gays, atheists, family planners, ecologists, Catholic women, some Anglicans, Christians in general and possibly even some Muslims given your comments. What if someone said, "Show me just what a Pope brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman"?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: It would be nonsense of course. We have introduced no innovations.

Lara Crofter: Mary; condoms; the pope?

John Sendmehome: Did you hear about the transvestite who wanted to have a good time: to eat, drink and be Mary?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: Condoms encourage the use of condoms, which if they do not work spread disease, whereas we recommend nothing is used and full access is given for the potential to get pregnant every time. The Europeans cannot maintain their populations.

Lara Crofter: There's no shortage of babies worldwide.

John Sendmehome: A couple named their children John, Paul, Sally, Carrie and Yung Ho after they read that every fifth child in the world is Chinese.

Lara Crofter: You think paedophilia and homosexuality are linked, but isn't forced celibacy and paedophilia more likely to be connected? Your English bishops denied the homophobic comments of your Cardinal Talkisio Baritone.

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: Let me change se subject. I vant and need a pure Church. Not like his, here. Not a muddle, or a lack of a centre. I vas very urried ven the condom generation grew in Tubingen, all around me. Vrightening. Zer vas too much liberalism and too much of se Marxism, too many ideas; ant also the Zecon Watican Gounzil was an important milestone, as you would zay, but it vas one I vanted to move on from. Yes I have. That vos vy I was first thought right for the Holy Office by my adored predecessor.

Lara Crofter: What, you looked after the documents, did some typing, answered the phone, went on the Vatican reception counter?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: The Holy Office is ze ol name of ze Congregation mentioned earlier.

John Sendmehome: Did you hear about the typist who lost all her fingers? She changed to doing shorthand.

Lara Crofter: Archbishop, you must be worried that this Pope here wants to recruit your high Catholic priests. Apparently they are going to become very ordinary.

John Sendmehome: And that would be quite a change for them. I know an Anglo-Catholic who is leaving: a member of his congregation thanked him for his teaching ministry saying, "Before you came, Father, we did not know as much about sin."

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: I hope zer vill be plenty of sese people for us to ordain for the ordinariates directly under me, in that zese men are just the right kinds of thinking people we need. Zay can say their Anglican style mass, with Roman essentials too, although say haven't used their own in the past. Or we have a new older mass coming out zoon.

John Sendmehome: I'll stick with the joke book.

Lara Crofter: Common Worship?

John Sendmehome: And I'll do the jokes.

Lara Crofter: Was I joking?

Pope Benedictus-Adolphus: I in fact worry that your main books are zecular. I need to defend the Catholic and to bring it back into English culture. I vant to engage the debate, as I do in Germany. But I worry that Peter Tatchell will present a television documentary, and he is hardly Jurgen Habermas. I would debate vith Mr Tatchell, but I zhall be too busy - and he also might try to arrest me. But we cannot redeem ourselves by ourselves, and it needs me to be involved.

Lara Crofter: Unfortunately, or fortunately, we have run out of time. We shall just have to see what your visit brings, seeing as you are still coming. And thank you Archbishop for your contributions.

John Sendmehome: Know what happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye swallowed some spinach and gave him a right belter.

Lara Crofter: I think we'll have to edit that last bit out, Archbishop.

No comments: