Friday 11 January 2013

J R Ewing Elected

Peter Levite: A news flash! This says:

TO ALL MARRIED, GAY MARRIED AND SINGULAR CHRISTIAN PEOPLE AND PAGAN OTHERS whom the underwritten shall or may in any way concern

We've just received news of the change to having an Archbishop of All England Elect. I'll read it out, and it says:

RICHARD DICK DL, DCL, DD DEAN MARTIN of the Cathedral and Metropolitical Church of Christ Clark Kent for All England GREETING in the Lord Everlasting and Eternal not Arian:

WE DO MAKE IT KNOWN to you universally by these presents laid from the royal annual Christmas Tree that the See of Kent being vacant by the resignation of The Most Reverend and Right Honourable Professor Rowan Tree late Archbishop and Pastor thereof We the College of Canons aforesaid by virtue and authority of Her Majesty's Tax Disc and Licence Plate granted to us for the Electing another Archbishop and Pastor of the said Church assembled together in our Cathedral on this Eleventh day of January in the year of Our Lord Everlasting and Eternal Two thousand and thirteen and making a College of Canons to go off bang there and observing the Laws and plaster Statues of this Kingdom and the ancient customs of the Cathedral Church in this behalf to be observed did elect [big breathe in] THE RIGHT REVEREND JUSTIN ROTATION EWING, Master of the Dark Arts, by Divine Permission Lord Bishop of the North East, to be Archbishop and Pastor of the said Cathedral and Metropolitical Church of Christ Clark Kent and for All England.

    [signed] Richard Dick


Our correspondent on these occasions, Lesley Tilgate, is on the phone to tell us what this means.

Linda Bode: I'm not called Lesley Tilgate any more. For you I am using my actual first name not my middle name and my original surname. I'm fed up with you trying to fit me into your head instead of letting me be me. Well now I am the person Linda Bode.
Peter Levite: Describe what that long pile of words means - what does metropolitical mean?
Linda Bode: Metropolitical means Henry VIII and all that. The rest means that J. R. Ewing will be the next Archbishop of All England. He is elected; it will be confirmed; and in March he'll become it when crowned though Her Maj defends the faith.
Peter Levite: The old American President stays President until the new one is inaugurated. Isn't Rowan Tree the Archbishop still?
Linda Bode: Nope, he's gone. We are leaderless. It is like an interregnum although Archbishop of the North John Sendmehome is the acting boss if we want one.
Peter Levite: People don't get to the top unless they can dispose of people on the way: Eton, oil industry... Linda Bode: We all love him, for now. From Farmer Giles to Tommy Rod.
Peter Levite: What? No, we don't have the time or frankly the desire to take a call from the Archbishop of the North. Tell him to ring back another time - preferably never.
Linda Bode: I'll ring off now, just in case you do take his call.
George Hudson: We're missing some rain at the moment, though it's been raining at Thirsk station.

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