Monday 17 December 2012

The Nativity as Remembered

Here is a version of the Christmas story, as understood in the Daily Telegraph report, although, like all good myths, it has been embellished a little since.

Joseph, who sawed wood for a living, and Mary, got married but before they 'did it' she heard a voice to carry out a pregnancy test and she found out she was already pregnant. Joseph threatened to divorce her but did the next best thing and left her as a virgin.

They received a summons in the post to go to Beirut for a census in person, in order that they'd be registered for tax. The pregnancy was high speed as, in days, Mary was ballooning outwards and so she rode to to Beirut on the pet donkey.

There was a lot of fighting in Beirut and tourism as well, because it's where Christ was born, so there was no room at the inn. There was only one inn. There were hotels, but they were either too expensive or bomb damaged.

So they had to stay in a stable among horses, their donkey, other donkeys and some sheep brought along by shepherds. There wasn't any electric lighting but a star moved overhead and they could see by it.

Three shepherds came along and offered some woollen garments and Moses's basket. Three Kings from Orient Are came too and gave gifts of a goal, Frankenstein and a mare. There were also three astrologers who said Jesus would be a footballer and Frankenstein stood guard.

Jesus was born and could speak instantly and it was clear he was already an authority on nuclear power proving that he was God and knew everything. Jesus thanked all the visitors in their own languages for coming and even the animals got the drift.

The astrologers also brought news that King Harold was going to kill Jesus. Jesus would have walked but he only had little legs and so they popped him in the basket. Jesus told them the way to get to Egypt where they did a figure of eight to come back but not before they had read the Ten Commandments in stone (Jesus told his parent and step-dad that the other 513 were in a museum somewhere).

When they got back a plague had killed Harold before he had a chance to return to England. Jesus grew very rapidly. At one point he got lost in a supermarket and when he was found said he'd been about his daddy's business, which meant he was now a skilled builder. He was allowed to stay at a Buddhist monastery where he picked up some new ideas, and so didn't agree with those stones any more, and his Uncle Joseph of Arimathea took him on a boat trip to see the world, which actually meant Britain and Glastonbury. There Jesus laid the stone to the first Christian Church before going back with his uncle and choosing some disciples who were thus bishops.

He told his disciples that before he was born he had existed, and after he died he also continued to exist, and so in retirement he had some children with Mary Magdalene, and he visited England again, ordaining St. George, because God is English, and dictating the words of Jerusalem to William Blake. In modern times he is usually seen as patterns in used tea cups or in wood. His mother, however, having been divorced by Joseph, retired in France. There she was tested for her DNA and discovered that she also had a miraculous birth. In fact the children of today, all of whom possess astrological powers, and are members of the Knights Templar, can trace their matrilineal heritage back to the common ancestor of both apes and humans but the father line gets stuck at about -4 CE. All their houses lie on ley-lines and bus routes.

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