Sunday, 14 September 2008

Church Apologises for Everything

The Church of England is to post a huge apology on its website to 'All people with brains.'

However, already the apology has been criticised and some say it has already become hopelessly contradicted.

At one level the Church is giving its most sweeping apology yet, in that it decided at the highest level to say sorry to those with any grey matter between their ears.

The apology is to be given on the home page of the Church website. The website then immediately qualifies the apology by a further statement.

Introducing the move, Canon Darwin Dawkins, the Public Confessor of Religion, a position introduced by the Archbishop of Canterbury in a further attempt to keep the Anglican Communion together, said:

"For decades and decades, indeed since the beginning of creation some 6000 years ago, the Church of England has encouraged adults to keep their Sunday School religion."

The initial public apology will be carried on the Church's website,, and will use very direct language.

It states:

To all adults the Church owes you an apology. We taught you a load of fables that should have been replaced when you grew up. You have ended up misunderstanding so much, and, by not making this transition, we have encouraged others to stay away from churches.

However, on being told by advisors what was happening, critics from Africa contacted the Archbishop of Canterbury's office for making the apology. Canon Darwin Dawkins, who wrote the original piece himself, was then instructed to add a rider. It states:

In giving this apology, we are not saying that the Bible contradicts itself or is affected by scientific understanding, such as the earth being unmoving, flat and on four pillars, nor are we saying that any part of any creed is wrong, such as virgins having babies.

This revised statement now has the full support of the Archbishop of Canterbury, so that some views can be held privately (even stated publically as private) whilst the same teaching carries on by bishops and Archbishops.

Canon Darwin Dawkins added:

"We can hold these views privately, and we can even say them in public, but we must go on teaching the same old guff because this is what a bishop and Archbishop does - in public. Indeed whilst we may hold certain views as private, it is also hoped that views we hold in public might, from time to time, be taught privately as well."

Critics said this qualification renders the apology meaningless. Nevertheless Canon Darwin Dawkins wanted to state that this was at least "a significant step forward", in that the apology could wait for 'reception' in Anglican Churches around the globe, although apparently Canon Dawkins accepts that this will upset Mr Ephraim Radner in Canada.

At the press conference Canon Dawkins decided to eat a banana, claiming that although we share 50% of its genes this did not constitute semi-cannibalism, but rather he was showing loyalty with his ancestors. He indicated that in a hundred years the Church might apologise to animals too.

Despite his impact on the website apology, Archbishop Akky Nolo, through his spokesperson Canon Poppy Tundra, branded the whole thing as "Ridiculous". Tundra said:

"The Church has already apologised for slavery and the Crusades, and the Crusades were the right idea. When is it going to stop? Are the Italians going to apologise for Roman Catholicism? It makes the Anglican Communion look ridiculous and is another reason why Archbishop Akky Nolo should be in charge, being very humble and very great."

Don Coupé, who is reputed to have removed every vestige of Sunday School teaching from his head, was approached and asked:

"What is the point of this? When an apology is made after 6000 years, it's not so much to right a wrong, but to make the hierarchical, monarchical organisation making the apology feel better. We should take this Sunday School religion and interpret it in any way we feel, as we made it all up. So go on using it."

Lord Charles Bradlaugh and Sir George Holyoake, of the National Sexular Society Mission Position Team, issued a public statement, part of which reads:

The apology is a joke. If it means the Church of England will close down it would be worth it but otherwise anything it says is pointless.

Canon Darwin Dawkins is said to be taking three a day for life.


Erika Baker said...

But is Poppy Tundra still Akky Nolo's PR manager, now that he is an important Bishop?

I will turn this statement into my next desktop background:

"For decades and decades, indeed since the beginning of creation some 6000 years ago, the Church of England has encouraged adults to keep their Sunday School religion."

Absolutely wonderful.

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

Bad journalism - doesn't keep up with all the news. So he's Bishop Poppy Tundra now. Must have been a reward for effectiveness.

Don't you have a nice picture for a desktop background?

Erika Baker said...

I have lots of lovely pictures for a desktop background but none that make me smile every time I see them.

And this sentence has already nearly cost me my permission to roam wild on royal parklands on OCICBW because I quoted it as "best comment".

I have yet to discover who IS the new PR manager to Akky Nolo. Maybe he's too word perfect by now to need one.

JayV said...

This is a hilarious send up. *cackle* It made my day. If you ain't gonna have fun doin' this stuff, what's the point?

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

Tell you what, though, the actual C of E website - nothing like Jonathan Petre's journalism and source for my bash - is just typical of the bullshit that passes for commentary in the Church of England today. Just read how it slimes its way along about being exposed to Father, Son and Holy Spirit and yet... What utter bullshit. They were reading Martineau and Francis Newman, they went to the Church of England in order to obey the law and be respectable.