Dire Straits

A report from Nigeria's Leading Website, Fundamentalists Are Go.

In a surprise move that was called "nothing to do with xenophobia", Lord George earlier today called for an end to the travels of Archbishop Akky Nolo in and out of Britain, "Because every time he comes in, people think the immigration figures are going up."

Apparently, based on government figures, every time Akky Nolo comes in and goes out, that is one up. Despite being unable to rescue XL Airlines singlehandedly, the Archbishop has flown in and out of Britain from Nigeria more times than most Londoners commute, having a huge effect on immigration figures.

Lord George denied this morning that his call to curtail the travels of Akky Nolo had anything to do with his being overshadowed as a world leading Christian. However, he was soon on an aeroplane himself going to see some breakaway Anglicans in America.

Meanwhile, at the end of his own latest trip to England, Archbishop Akky Nolo was interviewed by Fundamentalists Are Go.

Interviewer: Archbishop. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to interview you and learn from you here in your second home, Heathrow Airport. From which date did you become humble, and how did that lead to your obvious greatness?

I was humble when I was born. I was found in a stream among some tall reeds in a little waterproofed basket. The women of the village rescued me, and knew I would be destined for greatness. So I was passed to one of the mothers, you know. Father was strong, he said to a wife that she would care for me, look after me; she had an important task among women and a dream from God told her to take good care of me.

When it came to going to school, there were fees to pay. Then this rich American saw the potential for me to become an extremely right wing Archbishop, and he paid all my fees. It was the start of a beautiful relationship - not that sort, you know, no not that sort, never.

So I come from the river, as they say in my country. I am a miracle. I am a nobody who is everybody. Like the Lord, the least became the most, and I am him. Not the Lord you understand, despite what people say.

I served my Lord and master with needle and thread and a toolbox with nails, as I grew up in humble surroundings. I still do as he turns nails into thread. And then someone said I should be a bishop. So I was sent to theological college with my pliers where I learnt that world history is not like the West says. That is a lie. History is in the Bible: there is all history and of course there is no room for homosexuality and so we must fight that. Fight it we must. Yes.

So God raised me up to be a priest and they made me a bishop. I rose very rapidly because I am very humble, I am no one, and I organised the young people to let them know who was in charge, you know.

So, 'He who humbles himself will be exalted. And he who exalts himself will be abated.' I practise that. So they said, "Rule Nigeria", and I do in the Church and anywhere else that I can. I make lots of bishops who do what I say. Now I am international, and someone pays all these air fares.

Interviewer: Archbishop. You have a lovely long room here and you share it with so many travellers. Where does your drive come from?

I hired him. He travels with me and there are many cars on different continents, you know, that are comfortable and secure. He was from the extended family.

Interviewer: No, where your drive comes from, not your driver.

Oh yes, well we don't believe that genes nonsense but it comes from my appointed mother, who heard a message from God, the one who took me on to her breast. She told me never to be an idle git, which is why I work when I am sat on aeroplanes. If I could, I would fly myself and do the work.

Interviewer: You are a family man: this must be important.

Well we have no homosexuality, you see. It is unheard of. So we are not frightened of it, no. Family is so important. It is amazing. So I have proved I am heterosexual with lots of children, one for every day of creation and then I decided I must rest. God was so good that not one of them cried or had a bad night, so that I could continue to ordain bishops without having to worry about whether I would be too sleepy or not. You don't want to put your hands on a man's head and fall on to him asleep! We mustn't do that, not like they do here.

Interviewer: Do you have transferable skills, from father to father in God?

Oh yes. Given that God kept them quiet at night, I was able to be a wonderful father. And now I can do that with my bishops and clergy. I had my screwdriver and hammer. One of my children used to say "Gaga", so I am now known as "Ga Ga". People say that about me all around the world: I am Ga Ga. It is awesome and makes me feel so responsible. I have said to Rowan Williams, I am Ga Ga and you should recognise this, and he said he did. Calling me Ga Ga means I must be less violent; I can only be simple when people call me Ga Ga.

Interviewer: You are indeed a leader beyond your own Church.

Oh yes. They all recognise me, you see. Being humble, they saw my greatness. So when they did, they elected me to be leader of all Christianity in Nigeria. They didn't later on; they must have been blinded. I said, 'I don't know what they see in me,' and then they didn't. But anyway I had other things to do: I renamed the Church to Anglican Communion, you know. So now I have my sights in some Primates Forum, where my leadership skills, from being a father of course (you are right), are recognised. It is the full toolbox there, sawing the Anglican Communion. I let the other Peter do the secretarial work. See, I don't have a CV - well I am telling you it now. Yes. The Global South recognises me, even the people at Heathrow Airport recognise me because I am here so often. I am famous. I was on British television too. I was humble then.

Interviewer: GAFCON is fantastic, isn't it. It is all your own work!

I said to Chris and Martyn, you do this for me and I will be humble again. People lie about this a lot. The documents issued in my name come from me. Of course I have advisors, we all have advisors. Does not the colonialist Archbishop in Lambeth, chosen by Westminster, have advisors? Of course he does. No doubt they told him: recognise that man, for he is Ga Ga. I suppose people pray for him: but people pray for me in huge numbers. And Peter, he can answer the letters and take the membership fees. Oh we don't need them, we have the money. Yes. Have you joined the FCA yet?

Interviewer: It is great to be a conservative.

That's right. There is no other name given under heaven by which Man shall be saved. I said this to Sarah Palin. She is a conservative: she is so common. Do you know that she was my suggestion? I am humble, you see. She spoke to me and said, 'You are Ga Ga.' I heard about her when someone said she is very funny, and showed what was so deeply wrong by singing the Lumberjack song. Have you seen that? So yes, Alaska, that place in Canada. Or is it Russia? So she was mentioned and she thinks the world was made by God in six days and is obviously saved, being conservative. So am I! I called my own children Trigger, Barrel, Fist, Startrek, Mysogie and Charism. Oh yes, and when Sarah has been fishing, she does that 'slap the fish' dance, where the fish knocks her bishop over the side into the water! But you know, we need to cherish our comics when they are running for office, because she is conservative and so am I. We are both comical.

Interviewer: And Sarah is in the Bible!

That is right. You have to have biblical truth. You cannot have Christ without believing every dot and comma of that book, except those bits we ignore. She is wonderful, yes. When he, that Chip man, leaves this mortal existence, she will rule. I will be her chaplain too. Oh it will be like the biblical times again, all the powers and the principalities, when everyone destroyed everyone else and the earth was laid waste. We will have oppression and power and rule, such ghashing of teeth just before the Lord comes. The devastation will be glorious.

Interviewer: And the Bible and culture?

Indeed, look how she kept the child. Look how she has said to that young man: you must be my daughter's husband. Wonderful: what a strong family life, and when the husband is in control. Family life is in the Bible of course, though we ignore the stuff about polygamy, concubines and having slaves. We cannot have... you see the Bible challenges homosexuality. We cannot have Western culture and dysfunctional families coming to Africa. We are not having that. We agree that we must fight it. And what happened to all those evangelicals in the West; the West has turned against its evangelicals! Think of the great names. Who takes notice now of Sugden, Benn, Kings, Radner, Uffman, Wright? When all the English evangelicals are out on the Clapham sect, you know, living in their cottages, who is taking notice? Of course they say to us to be politically correct: but no, we cannot, because only conservatives are saved. We have the full toolkit in the box. Only conservatives have the full toolkit; there is no other word under God like "conservative" that means you are saved.

Interviewer: Do you have private views you don't express publically when Archbishop?

I am not like that. I'm not like him. Whether in Lagos or London, I say the same thing: 'Can I travel first class?' No no, my views are the same privately and publically. I only have one pair of glasses, and they are bifocals. So that is Jesus God and Man. Man is the reading part and God the long distance part. These are my only glasses, though I notice the airport now has two for the price of one. No, I only have the one pair of glasses and my faith is conservative, my optician in New York never changes my glasses.

Interviewer: The Church is culturally trapped, some say, is it not?

Are you trying to ask me a challenging question? Akky Nolo proclaims only: we ask other people to arrest homosexuals. You know, you face up to the Muslims and they respect you. They don't have a monopoly of violence. But I do not do violence: I always deny it. Akky Nolo leaves it to others. Akky Nolo is never involved. I just speak out, no matter who I offend. OK, so the Muslims respect you if you are strong, not like the weak Churches you see outside this airport where anything goes, where they encourage anything. England was the home of Christianity. We looked at England like the Muslims look at Makkah. Thee missionaries came to us with the hammer. But England has let Christ go and you have this multiculturalism that the Muslims will fill up. So instead they need now to look to Nigeria, not England, because we know how to get the Muslims to respect you. England is just one more place to lose its Christianity and so we need to rescue it and get our provinces up and running there, get the screwdrivers turning.

Interviewer: And the prosperity gospel?

These pastors! They need to be under my control. These pastors who pop up from anywhere, wherever they are found, so called trained. They are not trained. They look to these satellite stations and all the glamour and materialism. No, they should be under my authority. I am necessary for them too. I am humble, a miracle, and the Church is mine.

Interviewer: So how to keep Britain Christian?

You've given way to this multiculturalism and homosexuality. You let your girls walk around without head scarves on. I've never seen so many breasts bouncing up and down in the street. Bare arms and shoulders too. Stringy things for knickers seen above their jeans. See those legs below their jeans. Look at the open feet and toes. The Muslims don't respect this and Archbishops end up calling for Sharia Law. Parents should stop these twenty somethings expressing themselves just how they want. Teachers should say 'go home' if they walk the street like that. It is time for fathers to rule their daughters. Pastors should tell these young people to cover up because I cannot think holy thoughts. Things are haywain and you need John Constable back to take them to the police station. You have, what, one million people going to church in this country? I have that in one building! When I turn up, they all come to see me. Our services last all day. What is the use of a ten minute sermon, what kind of Christianity is that? Preach it solidly, and long: then you get respect from the Muslims in your congregation. Don't give an inch, or they take a mile: it takes two to tango. Many cooks spoil the broth. Yeah. It is time to wake up European Christian leaders who have gone to sleep. They are not awake. More people go to church in liberal America than around here. That is shocking because it goes against my prejudices. England is losing its identity: it is time politicians were Christians again. They need to be given Sunday School lessons by their clergy and bishops so they know true religion, like we were taught when we were children by our mothers, or the appointed mother.

Interviewer: But other people have their different beliefs?

I have no problem with Muslims. My problem is with other Christians, like these homosexuals. Why do they leave their Bibles at home? You cannot tell people off any more, here. What is the world coming to? No wonder some Archbishops call for Sharia Law. You cannot cane your child: you must be allowed to cane children. That is when it went wrong, when we stopped caning. It never did me any harm. I enjoyed it, because it did me good. No, we need our Bibles. The Bible does not allow homosexuality, and we said that to the Archbishop of Canterbury, that if he invites them...

Announcer: Last call for Lagos.

Oh I must get my flight. Thank you very much. You have been most honoured to talk to me. I'll be back very soon.

Interviewer: Sir. You are as Solid as a Rock.

[Fundamentalists are Go contacted Lord George on his flight to point out that if he keeps leaving the country, it will add to the emigration figures and counteract Akky Nolo entering the country on the immigration figures. In a response Lord George said Akky Nolo is his friend.]