In a barnstorming speech to Republican fanatics, Sarah "Mike" Palin paraded her normal, American, dysfunctional family to show that one daughter at least takes after mother and a shy youth was put in the stocks - he will be marrying her, she said, before he ran away and hid from the crowd.
Gun handling Sarah slammed into her opponent, rarely naming him, and said she would easily overcome the old duffer. She said he was that horrible overtly apparent moderate guy who would nevertheless raise money to spend on public services. He was, she said, "A dead parrot, a Norwegian blue." She, meanwhile, looked forward to shooting tigers with ex-President Putin, before they turned their guns on each other. She herself looked forward to making George Bush the first American Prime Minister.
She said it was about time they drilled for oil on the White House lawn, and really get the building looking black. She was ambitious to get those troops into Georgia, once they were released from Atlanta, and get those bunkers in Alaska into good use. She told of her own son who could well be facing death in I Rack, or Afghanistan, or indeed the whole world when she is finished with "all those evil forces out there to get us".
"That will sort out global warming," she said to her audience going nuts, "I'm looking forward to my own heated swimming pool we used to call the Arctic Ocean."
She said she would start funding a gas pipeline straight away, to come direct from two main orifices of her own body. And when she herself met her maker, after his 6000 year experiment to make what she could destroy, she would donate herself to the Creationist Museum for apparent scientific research, on how such a person could be created on General God's orders.
At this point officials were handing out plastic bags to delegates, as many started wetting themselves in delirium. They had found, from nowhere, a major historical figure, a new President Reagan, but this time one who likes to sink her teeth into men's legs. Apparently this is one of the methods that passes for sex education in Alaska.
Republicans went out polling immediately after her speech, and on Palin's instructions they can only ask the God-given heads of households - men. As for how their wives will vote, each man said, "Alaska." Asked by a reporter how she could explain women ruling over men in God's created order, that is herself in the top job, Palin bit his head off and held it high, the Senators in the crowd apparently raising their swords and shouting "Hail Caesar, Hail Caesar," or something similar.
Biographical note: Sarah Palin has been unknown all her life, apparently starting out as a comedian and ending up as one too.