McCain Has His Chips

It's the end of the United States Convention season with John "You've had your chips" McCain wrapping it up with a speech that had balloons dropping from the ceiling early so that delegates had something to play with.

They started taking notice again when the chap speaking at the front declared that his running mate, Sarah "Mike" Palin, would lock him into a small room in the White House, so he could be patriotic again, like he became when in a small room held by the enemy. Facing the future, he said he was looking forward to putting his feet up. However, she would let him out from time to time, and had bought him an indoor putting set as a present for her being selected.

He said to the delegates: "What a choice I have made. You all thought I was a crazy maverick; now I have Sarah the lipstick pitbull."

He wasn't sure that they knew who he was, so he told them all about himself, opening up a photograph album like grandfathers and great uncles tend to do, going on and on about "during the war". He told the crowd, some of them weeping, and others popping balloons and seeing if others could be kept in the air, how he had run for President before, saying, "It feels like 2000 all over again," except that at that time he talked about policies, and this time he had no idea what to mention. There was, of course, still, Sarah, so he talked about her again, as his speech meandered all over the place.

He said how pathetic it is that the media could do no better than distribute fake 'photoshop' pictures of Michael Palin and also some model holding a gun. He condemned the mass media and especially blogs for being ageist and sexist - and he condemned television for producing live relays of pointless wannabees in events that are clearly past their sell by date, like Big Brother (surely, the Republican Convention?).

McCain was somewhat forgetful as he rambled through his speech. He forgot the name of his political party and could not remember who had been in power the last eight years. He had no idea about the state of the economy, because he did not mention that either. After the convention had finished Barack Obama tried to help him regarding the political issues of the day, but everyone was feeling very sad.

Except one person, of course: when the speech was over, "Chips" McCain wandered off the catwalk unnoticed, but all cameras were focussed on Sarah in the crowd holding her nail file and sharpening her teeth.

Speechwriters interviewed afterwards said this had been their greatest achievement, to keep the man talking whilst saying absolutely nothing and allowing him to leave unnoticed.