Tuesday 5 May 2009

Shock ACC Development

Archbishop Roald See O'Vee (RSV): Well thank you for gathering at such short notice and we have just a presentation here about a development regarding our discussions, and we can take a few questions but then we are going to have a game of Anglican Whist on the tables. I've asked Bishop Aspidistra to make a short statement given his involvement, and this is not the biggest statement in the world.

Bishop Graham Aspidistra (GA): I think we need to report that we are not going to allow any old Tom, Dick or Harry to join this Covenant. Archbishop Diesel Addams and I thrashed this out and really if any Johnny cum Lately group can just sign on as a way to short cut a route into Anglicanism then we're not going to have it.

Archbishop Diesel Addams (DA): My head hurts.

Reverend Doctor Art Tickle Righter (ATR): This means ACNA cannot just join, and what about dioceses?

Bishop PB: Only current members of the Anglican Consultative Council will be able to sign the Covenant.

Dr. Stephen Niall N. Coffin (SNNC): Well this has got serious consequences for our strategy here. Because we need evangelicals to join and uphold the implications that these are evangelical entry requirements, and to get the Anglican Church of North America in, because The Episcopal Church and the Anglican Church of Canada are not fit Churches to join a Covenant.

Archbishop Henley Ugandaman (HU): Now then. I have come myself to this gathering because you people here are stitching something up. First of all...

Archbishop RSV: I would like to say welcome to Archbishop Henley Ugandaman.

Archbishop HU: No no, we don't have to go through you. First of all you stitch me up not accepting my nomination for the seat, you know, that fine Church of Uganda American man. OK, then here you are preventing GAFCON from being part of the Anglican Communion, forcing us to breakaway, you know, and take you on with our Fellowship of Confessing Anglicans. We are two religions here, but we want you to have the right religion.

Reverend ATR: This is very serious. I have written several essays on this matter and if we cannot use this document to weasle our way in from below or from beyond then the Covenant is not going to do its job.

Canon Hatton Coaton (HC): Why would it even do its job given the text?

Archbishop HU: Look we are 40 million Anglicans and we are telling you that you do as we want or we take steps to sort this issue once and for all. We are not here to accept the fixes of heretics now.

Dr. Carol Polydecker (CP): Can I interject here?

Archbishop RSV: I would like to say welcome to Carol Polydecker, who is someone we can listen to, though she might change her attitude towards the project to enhance the Anglican Church worldwide I sometimes feel.

Archbishop HU: Look this is an outrage, outrage. We are not having this. We are having biblical, plain reading, literalist religion and no gay marriage. We met in Alexandria and said this is the last chance. Last chance. And the great leader, Akky Nolo, said we can go along with this until we have to get tough. We get tough now. Where is Canon Emmerdale? And we need him and Bishop Marmite Mince.

Canon Christopher Emmerdale (CE): I'm free!

Archbishop HU: You and Marmite Mince may as well leave now and go and write something said to be from Akky Nolo condemning this meeting. Go do that now. And send it in text to Akky first so yours and Mince's mitts aren't all over it.

Canon CE: I'll get him to come here. Just ring him... Hello Marmite, are you free? He's free, Henley.

Archbishop HU: OK, yeah, good idea, and we can have a shadow meeting - the real headquarters of the Anglican Communion, the one with the numbers matey.

Archbishop RSV: Sorry?

Canon CE: Marmite. You're needed in Jamaica. Can you volunteer to come? Yes, do come. We have some more writing to do for Archbishop Akky Nolo.

Bishop Scot Wales (SW): May I say something? It is all to do with the gravity of the thing, and here we see that the gravity, the mass, could be falling the other way.

Dr. Carol Polydecker (CP): The only attitude around here that needs changing is yours, Henley, and we are determined to bring within the Anglican big tent those who for too long have had to sit outside. Well we've had our pow wow with the pipe of peace and we are coming inside the big tent and not like that big tent they had at the bishops' gathering in Kent, England, where people were excluded.

Canon CE: So I wonder, as a reporter, if I could ask Bishop Graham Aspidistra a question? In that a decision has been made to have a resolution restricting this Covenant to current members of an institutional Anglicanism, but rejecting the members of biblical Anglicanism, how is the Covenant supposed to work?

Canon HC: Look. We've got big numbers in a few provinces and smaller numbers in many provinces. We cannot have a Covenant that only a few provinces sign. Then it won't work. We cannot have a Covenant that only a minority signs, as it doesn't do anything.

Archbishop DA: I have said before, it we don't have the Covenant we are doomed. Doomed!

Canon Philip Crumb Monarch Bootslick (PCMB): Ah what's going on here? Are you having a press conference? Oh, why did no one tell me?

Archbishop DA: Well Phil Crumb, what do you think?

Canon PCMB: Well I'll sign it. Where is it?

Archbishop RSV: I think I fancy a game of cards. Hearts are trumps!

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