Bishop Scot Wales (SW): I'd like to introduce a man who has done much for the Anglican Communion, Bishop 'mount-aine-eer-lobe-ann-use', I think I've said that correctly, who will talk about his encounter with the listening process and dialoguing in Egypt and around the world.
Bishop Mountain Ear Lobeanusse (MEL): Well thank you to everyone who has come today, as I wish to talk about that delicate area called the unmentionables about the rear end.
Clearly we have been asked to take part in the listening process, though I am somewhat hard of hearing and I have to say that, culturally, when people come to talk to me about this they speak softly because it is one of the unmentionables. So they whisper and I can't hear and I cannot lip read either, and of course if they want to point out the trouble I cannot see them.
We are talking here about young people, and shame, and so only people who are much smaller than me, about zip high unless I wear my long dress as we do within this Communion, and a lot of bling.
So if the achievement intended is to tolerate the practice of homosexuality, it requires a different kind of dialoguing and not the sort of dialoguing I know about because I am hard of hearing and they whisper. How we overcome this I do not know. Some people say you can have batteries into a piece of equipment that vibrates and stimulates, magnifying the effect on the inner ear, but I have not heard of stimulation before and hearing aids are not in the Bible.
In any case I never meet anyone from Egypt. Some Western people tell me that they go dialoguing, going out in their cars and such the like, though I am hard of hearing and they speak rather softly, and apparently windows steam up so you cannot see - though some people let the windows down.
This is not what bishops talk about. Bishops talk about simple reading and bed time reading too, alongside wives or on their own, and this tells them that we don't like homosexuals and they apparently have different kinds of bedtime reading. On the other hand bishops want the filthy money and so have to read about things they'd rather not because of the West.
Now some people talk about going for long walks in puzzling areas, like orienteering. This used to be something of a craze when I was a lad, out in the dry desert with little more than a compass, a map, and a set of instructions. I cannot see any problem with orienteering, so really it is what homosexuality does that worries me when I go for long walks.
Now I have heard that some young women go out clubbing together. I really do wonder what is happening to society. I used to read in school books about stone age society and men clubbing their women after going out and getting a nice deer, so that the women would do the cooking and stay in the cave. But now we hear women are clubbing each other. This is clearly unnatural and I have not seen any examples during my bedtime reading. Of course I can't meet such people in Egypt. My wife tells me that she never went clubbing but understands women are doing it to each other all the time, and apparently many of these women are using hearing aids. Well, if they are using hearing aids to club one another, is there any wonder that the listening process is so difficult?
There needs to be a time limit on all this, because clearly there is too much gayness and lesbianism for the proper social structure that gets work done and meals cooked in the evening, and the proper activity of reading in the bedroom. We encourage our children, after all, of getting on their knees when in the bedroom before they do their activity in bed, and we of course need to have more children for the world to carry on spinning.
We need a further kind of listening too, that seems to be rarely mentioned except through correction conferences advertised recently. This is about people who have left The Episcopal Church and managed therefore to stop their homosexual activity. I can hear them because they speak very loudly, though a lot of it does seem difficult to understand. I mean listening involves both the ear and the brain of course. But yes they make a loud noise and it is often easier to listen to them than to anyone else and really those who left TEC might well replace their homosexual activity with rather a lot of oral noise.
Now if everyone is in front of me I will take a few questions.
Canon SW: Do we have any questions for Bishop, Ear, er, lobe ann-use. Phew!
Rev. Barry Brokeback (BB): Bishop, do I call you Bishop Mountain Ear or Bishop Lobeanusse? I don't wish to be too informal as I don't know you and only have to put up with what you say.
Bishop MEL: I am having having difficulty hearing you with my name.
Rev. BB: Do you not accept that folks like me can be faithful and loving and that we can also be models against the kind of idolatry that actually is the worry of St. Paul as he encounters Greek practices? What are you worried about?
Bishop MEL: Yes I am worried about what you call Greek Practices. I often think about them, and Roman ones too. Well a lot of people are Rome orientated in the Anglican Communion, and it would be surprised if they were not. My whole emphasis for listening is on pastoral care, see, because we need to care and condescend for people like yourself in order to normalise people like myself.
Rev. BB: Pastoral care cannot be imposed, can it. If it is like as you suggest, it is doing without listening.
Bishop MEL: Yes I am worried about what you call doing, and what people are doing. It fascinates me what people do in their bedrooms and who with. I wonder about this as my wife and I sit at night reading, that is after we have both been on our knees. As I say, we should all get on our knees first, and that's a good listening process too, because first she gets on her knees and I listen, and then I get on my knees and she listens. And of course we like to have a good slurp, with the bedtime cocoa. But I just wonder whether homosexuals get on their knees, as they are incompatible with Scripture you see. Some people say that homosexuals are more like spoons, and though I try to listen I see little about spoons in Scripture.
Canon Christopher Emmerdale: Is not the solution, Bishop Mountaineer, to isolate and quarantine The Episcopal Church and the Anglican Church of Canada through recognising the Anglican Church of North America as a scriptural homosexual free zone, and that the Fellowship of Confessing Anglicans too has this role, as we face this pansexualism across the institutional Communion, taking out homosexuals one by one and asking them to accept medicine that we provide so that they can be lonely individuals with a religious substitute for sexual desire, and become preachers of some post-gay attributes? IS this not the way to reform the whole Communion among a new and Pure Gospel?
Bishop MEL: Sorry, I am hard of hearing. Post gay tribulation? Trib? Trip? Tripe? Well I don't know about orienteering as I have not done it for a long time, but I would always be scriptural, yes, and preach too I think, and clearly there is a cultural division but also scriptural if we believe, and I think we do, that at one point in history tablets of ink were passed down that are the judge of all things for all time like those sand blasted monuments in my country. Did you say Puritans? I mean, let's face it, dialoguing is not in the Bible, nor patience in hospitals after they have been out dialoguing, nor orienteering, nor the kind of practices I can only wonder about daily and say 'Get thee behind me Satan' with whatever hearing aids people use with batteries for stimulating their ability to listen. Well I thank you all very much. I don't know what this has done with helping the Anglican Communion but it has been a thrill for me today for considering this subject once again as I do so very often.
Canon Philip Crumb Monarch Bootslick (PCMB): I wonder if we can possibly do this by sidelining homosexuals by asking for constant and everlasting self-sacrifice so that we can build our Communion Conservative structures and...
Bishop MEL: Sorry, I am hard of hearing. Is it Phil Crumb? I can hardly see either. I have had my stimulation for the day and need to go and lie down.
Canon PCMB: Thank you very very much for a most illuminating talk, Bishop Mountain Anus. Where's he gone?
Bishop MEL: When will any of these arseholes get my name right?