Tuesday 30 November 2010

Chadderbox on the Synod Vote

George Hudson: I know I'm a humble weatherman and mayor but occasionally they give me my own programme here on Radio Chadderbox: something to do with staying in the north. I'm noticed up here. So here we are at York Station waiting room and I have with me Bishop Graham Monarch, Bishop John Sackme and Archbishop John Sendmehome who were at the recent Synod Vote in the Church in England that voted to send the Anglican Covenant to the dioceses. And also with me is Lesley Bloke, one of the blogging opposition that arose in recent weeks to campaign against it.

Graham Monarch: Ah well we saw them off, with all their misinformation.

Lesley Bloke: Are you trying to depress me after my campaign? You didn't see us off.

John Sackme: It's not off, its ongoing. Going going and not gone.

George Hudson: Is that so, in that...

Graham Monarch: It was a thumping majority. Very significant. Overwhelming support. I would repeat my advice I gave to Reverend Brokeback before I walked off. Go and lie low for a while - a long while. Ha ha.

George Hudson: I mean, well, I'll come to that... You made your own intervention, John Sendmehome - Archbishop.

John Sendmehome: He, the other Archbishop, is my very good friend. I pray for the Covenant.

Graham Monarch: The Archbishop in his commanding Presidential address gave such a magnificent lead. Overwhelming support.

George Hudson: Talking about 'lettuce pray', the Covenant is more carrot in the Synod but more stick abroad - no?

John Sendmehome: You are that jolly little weatherman, aren't you? A man had a lettuce salad in a sandwich bar and gave the waiter five pence in addition to the price. He said it's the tip of the iceberg.

George Hudson: I am asking if the text is ambiguous to some extent, so it can be punitive with punishment to some, as in weaker relationships, but can be dressed up as enhanced - if I may use the word, ha ha - inclusivity for others, as in stronger relationships.

John Sendmehome: It's like a man and a woman are having therapy for their sex life. The counsellor asks the woman, 'How do you respond to having sex?' She says she likes it infrequently. He asks if that's one word or two.

Graham Monarch: Let me explain. There must be punitive steps for those who will not accept the invitation - for that is all it is - to enhance their relationships with one another.

George Hudson: But there was the GAFCON statement that some say has holed the Covenant, killed it.

Graham Monarch: Far from killing it, the Synod gave the Covenant a life-giving boost. Overwhelming support.

Lesley Bloke: It is dismissed by those it was meant to appease. They have come to the liberals' rescue. It won't survive now. Thanks GAFCON!

Graham Monarch: No no. GAFCON is a subset of the Global South. You can actually map the Anglican Communion: if you take one of those wargames with a map, like I do, you can push archbishops here and there, which is very exciting, and soon you see that this is a project that is bound to be victorious. John Swallow is a primate, he's in favour, Mountaineer Anus, he is in favour. And Ernest Ian, who likes a cuppa in Africa, he's in favour. Archbishop Dung - he is GAFCON and yet voted in favour. So these are like ballast in front of a glacier pushing its way down to the sea - and so we move our pieces from the Alps on the board and victory is ours.

George Hudson: A glacier, not an iceberg. Cold places then, though we are getting the bite of the continent presently. Russia has been remarkably warm when it should have been so much colder, however.

John Sackme: Think about all the rubble dropped by a glacier - a solution that has consequences worse than the problem.

George Hudson: By the way, as glaciers come down a valley, they meet a melting point beyond which they cannot go - so, er, I'm suggesting it's not well liked, this Covenant, and might not go as far as you would like, Bishop Monarch.

Graham Monarch: No, it was attacked from left and right. But an overwhelming majority. Let me explain. Adverts appeared in the Church press from the left. We soon corrected them, our essay writers who must stay up very late at night because we do produce some very long essays. Andrew Goodgod has been very prolific. He can keep going and keep going with his word processing. He amazes me.

John Sendmehome: This woman who'd read lots of novels got a new computer and went to a computer class. She selected a password to protect her work -
- and when the teacher asked her why she chose that she said it had to be at least eight characters long. Why do they do that Graham, such length, my loyal colleague? Can't you keep it short and sweet, like a good joke?

Graham Monarch: Because we need to show that we have the theology now and so write lots of essays. Essays are in the Anglican tradition. The liberals used to do them but now they write adverts. Ha ha. So we soon put them right on that one, regarding Puritans and Hooker and the three legged stool.

George Hudson: What purity and prostitutes and what to sit on when they are at work, sort of thing?

Graham Monarch: Ha ha, no no. Let me explain. Hooker was a theologian. Much more narrow than the liberals would have you believe. It's the use and abuse of Hooker.

George Hudson: I've heard about that sort of thing.

John Sackme: But the Archbishop made a clever use of Wesley, a much more complex character than many realise. I suspect the same is true of Hooker. Wesley, the High Churchman who had doubts and had a sort of evangelical conversion after which he matured. What is essential, he had asked, and what can we disagree upon and still be together. A very good teaching Archbishop, you know.

Graham Monarch: But what we want is agreement that is organic, not like a network.

John Sackme: Anglicanism is a fellowship of disagreement, surely.

Graham Monarch: No no. That is too loose. Let me explain. It is a middle way, like they have in Buddhism. We opt in, of course, and become fully involved in the representative bodies. You don't have to opt in, but then you can't be representative though you are still there, just not quite there there. But there. The key leaders are in favour and they are representative, and there there there. I am telling you that the key people, the people that matter, Archbishops and bishops, are in favour.

George Hudson: So you're saying it's about leaders, and that the right is mainly in favour and the left is, what, in favour? You are saying, actually, it is institutional - who is in and who is out.

Lesley Bloke: We know who is out, yet again. Lesbian and gay people. If the Church of England approves the Covenant, then it will determine that gay and lesbian people can never have equality in ministry and blessings. That's what it is actually all about. It freezes.

George Hudson: Like now. Minus one, minus more.

Graham Monarch: Ha ha. Let me explain. We saw off the left. They were roundly defeated. If they want to come on board, well they know how - and I am conservative about sexuality myself. The right, yes, the broad right is in favour. But the Church in England has shown it is in favour. So we know where it stands. It is a most representative Church.

Lesley Bloke: We shall campaign on, in the dioceses and when the Synod actually makes its decision - that is when we will get a vote against "relational consequences". Anyway, I'm conservative in that I believe in the virgin birth and bodily resurrection, in a mythical way though so if they didn't happen it doesn't matter.

John Sackme: I'm afraid I won't be there. I shall be writing about faith rather than religion and flogging my succession of books. I might present you all with a few surprises when I am less institutional myself, a bit like Lesley. Oh, you're ordained?

Graham Monarch: Well individuals, especially retired ones, can write about what they like. Active bishops have responsibilities.

John Sackme: I haven't gone yet, and I think I'm higher in the pecking order than you. I haven't exactly been made Bishop of Timbuktoo. Are you missing the excitement of Islington?

John Sendmehome: When Tim and John to Sherborne went, They met three women cheap to rent. There were three and they were two, So John booked one and Tim booked two.

George Hudson: We are coming to the end. So to summarise. Bishop Monarch - your position then.

Graham Monarch: This is a Church and a Church has rules, and we have other Anglican Churches coming together organically, and that has rules. We have essentials we agree upon, and not as woolly and unlimited as some on the left would think. We put them right. The future is with the broad evangelical position with, I think, a more solid conserving Catholic one. It is sad that some Catholics have left us, and sad the way some unrepresentative evangelicals might be leaving us, and have already in the United States where they are no longer part of the Anglican Communion. Humm, and the liberals are just defeated. Overwhelming support, highly significant; the federal model is dismissed, and I do so love to push my bishops on the board.

Lesley Bloke: We can still campaign. We can gather together, think about our strategy, and try to change minds. We'll never change Bishop Monarch's mind, of course.

John Sendmehome: A history teacher asked a classroom if anyone could give names of three kings that had actually brought happiness to people. A pupil put his hand up and said, "Smow, Drinn and Fuh."

John Sackme: I'm looking forward to retirement.

George Hudson: Well, thanks to you all and I just want to say that the wind across us now is very cold. So a lot of churches will be very cold as well, indeed not much will be moving for a long time according to the long range forecast. Better go to traffic and travel.


Lesley said...

Wow.. does that make me famous now, or perhaps unemployed? 15000 words, one of Andrew Goddard's.. err... essays was. (and I felt obliged to read it - punishment for objecting, I suppose).

Lovely picture of me. I'll frame it and put it on the wall.

Ann said...

Good work Lesley - even in satire

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Save this sketch of you. I'm convinced they'll be worth something someday, and you never know when you're going to need bus fare.

Well done, Pluralist and Lesley.

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

Click on the picture for its real size first. But, honestly Lesley, I knocked it off after comparing two beers my friends drink and I normally don't because I take them to the pub. So it is not very subtle.

Perhaps I could arrange a spectacular death and then the pictures will be worth something. Wouldn't help me though.

Anonymous said...

This parish hasn't been QUITE the same since you moved....

The Vicar of Barton (plus Recot od Saxby All Saints, Vicar of Horkstow and Rector of South Ferriby)

Anonymous said...

DRAT! That should have been 'Rector of...'. Blame me for celebrating being one of the last clergy to get the Freehold!

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

Oh well done for getting it.