Saturday 26 September 2009

The Letters from & to Lamby Pally

Here are two letters related to the Pope's forthcoming visit.

Lambeth Palace

Il Papa
Universal Lord of the Church
Vatican City
Inside but not actually Rome
Inside but not actually Italy
V0 000

September 2009

Dear Your Holiness,

I cannot but hear of your acceptance of the gracious invitation from the British Prime Minister to you for you to visit our country with anything other than unabated pleasure and I am sure that I speak on behalf of all Anglicans throughout Britain, even though I am but effectively and ambiguously Archbishop over the southern half of the geographical space of England (though in actuality Archbishop of All England), and primus inter pares anywhere else for Anglicans, in only and specifically assuring you that you will be received with nothing other than great warmth and joy throughout.

Your humble servant
Most Reverend Rowan Tree
Archbishop of Anglicanism

From the Secretariat of Il Papa, The Holy Father
Vicar of Christ and Universal Lord of the Church
The Vicarage
Vatican City
V0 000

Mr Rowan Tree
C/O Lambeth Palace
London SE1 7JU
September 2009

Dear Mr. Tree

I have been asked to convey to you the Holy Father's comments
that you know perfectly well that people in your Church Society and in the Protestant Truth Society will not welcome the Holy Father, so why do you claim that all Anglicans will greet him with great warmth and joy? Please apply at least some of the rationality that the Holy Father, your Vicar of Christ, exudes.

The Holy Father will see you on the third day of his visit. He wishes to receive your report then, in person, on progress towards producing a worldwide Anglicanism so that we can at least regard it as constituting one ecclesiastical community.

The Church is very disappointed about all the time this is taking. The Holy Father may still be persuaded to establish an Anglican Rite Church whether you produce an enforceable Covenant with worldwide institutions or not. Until his decision on this matter, we will continue to accept individuals who wish to join the Church, including potentially yourself. The Holy Father says that he can arrange someone to ordain you deacon, priest and bishop in a day after you have spent a week in a Catholic monastery within Britain learning about our ministry. You would then come to Rome; however, he has a particular offer for you in that he would be especially pleased to do this himself on his visit - how do you fancy that? He might even have you lead the Anglican Rite Church that would then be established: what about that then? - and you can forget about women in any ordained ministry (but then you left that matter open for reversal within your local ecclesiastical community a few years ago).

I have been instructed to ask you a question, which you might like to answer to the Holy Father during his visit. If the British State today nationalised Westminster Cathedral, do you think the State would pay the Catholic Church compensation? If so, by what justification were all the cathedrals and monasteries stolen from the Church in a nationalisation without compensation under the excommunicated Henry VIII and why is this theft allowed to continue? The Holy Father is intrigued to hear your reply and what sort of compensatory rents your local ecclesiastical community will pay towards the Catholic Church for the continued use of its facilities.

If you do wish to take up the Holy Father's generous offer yourself then please reply. Otherwise he will see you as arranged and an itinerary will be sent in due course.

Father Edwardo Scribo
For Il Papa, The Holy Father
Vicar of Christ
and Universal Lord of the Church
The Vicarage
Vatican City
V0 000


June Butler said...

Adrian, gawd's gonna get you for this one. I see major retribution in your future. Take care, because the Swiss Guards may be sent after you.

Rowan forgets the Mr Tree thingy, but if that can be remedied in a day after a mere week's retreat, well then....

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

I'll defend myself with some Swiss cheese.

Brother David said...

Hum, reparations.


(Someone help me understand the Tree Thingy, please.)

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

It's a rowan tree, so a small way to get to the Roman Catholics not recognising Anglican orders, being rude, and writing Dear Mr. Tree. That's all.

Brother David said...

Thank you.

From the Wikipedia; Rowan is one of the most familiar wild trees in the British Isles...In the Canadian provinces of Newfoundland and Labrador and Nova Scotia this species is commonly referred to as a "Dogberry" tree.

I think that you might respectfully work something of the dogberry into a writ of the future regarding Mr. Tree.

Unknown said...

The Orthodox don't recognize anglican orders, either.
But they live far away, are a much smaller percentage of the English-speaking world's population and virtually nobody speaks Bulgarian, so who cares?

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

I thought you knew. Rowan Tree married an evangelical theologian, Elizabeth Dogberry, daughter of a bishop.

Unknown said...

Could be worse-could be 'dingleberry'.