Tuesday 22 September 2009

School Loses Classroom

Back at the Anglican Old School the scene moves from the sixth form to the Headmaster's Study

Headmaster Jefferts Schori: Come in Mr. Canon.
Dennis Canon: Headmaster?
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: How is Carolina?
Dennis Canon: He is very well; thank you for asking.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: One of our oldest pupils!
Dennis Canon: Not that old, Headmaster, and still beautiful to me.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: Now apparently we have lost one of our classrooms and classes. In your legal intercourse you were unable to persuade the Local Education Authority that it belonged to our school.
Dennis Canon: That's correct, unfortunately, headmaster. The authority would not accept our coupling of an original class with the school. We've been rather whipped on this one. There are nine original classrooms like this, and originally we taught Virgins' Sex Education that began in one.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: Losing the Virgins' Sex Education class is quite a blow.
Dennis Canon: It is a huge blow, headmaster, and sticks in the throat: particularly so because it is one of the historic classrooms.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: We value our relationship with all our classes and teachers, Dennis, so why did we lose after your presentation?
Dennis Canon: To be honest, Headmaster, it is so complicated that it is a bit of a doggy's breakfast. We had won and now in front of the Education Authority panel for that concern we lost. The original missionary situation was to the extent these old classes and their classrooms gave birth to the school. You can look at the brickwork and see that the school was built off these classes. It is the east approach.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: Yes, some of that brickwork needs touching up. I've asked about that. But the school was different then; for one thing we could whack 'em more.
Dennis Canon: In the neck, too, Headmaster. They spelt it oddly too, as they so often did in those days, because if you look in the punishment book here it says 'Waccamaw Neck region' and that was for virgins too. My Carolina is too young for when they had such spelling, Headmaster. Gosh, when you see what they did to the other boys; their necks were quite red.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: But we are a hierarchical school now, and the Governors meet and decide everything once every three years. They are unrestricted and all the classes submit to them.
Dennis Canon: It is the way the Local Education Authority subdivides, Headmaster, and in a sense it represents the peculiarity that the school has in its history of being built. This set back might only be a quickie, in that the Council of that Local Education Authority structure might well see things differently.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: Well, we could take a practical view. After all, how many virgins do we have these days? Or we could say the school has its bodily integrity, and we ought to go to the Council over the Local Education Authority. It does involve the school budget, of course, which would come out of providing lessons for both our remaining virgins and all the non-virgins.
Dennis Canon: We do integrate sex education now with other matters. I mean, we go on and on and on about sex, don't we?
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: Yes, we do seemed to be handcuffed on this matter. What we have to decide then, Dennis, is whether we can penetrate the authorities any further on this, and see the High Men of the Council for a supreme decision, or whether to withdraw.
Dennis Canon: We could possibly withdraw just on the matter of the Virgins' Sex Education, Headmaster, if we keep the rest intact. Going on and on does look a bit anally retentive.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: But we must protect the body of the school. Bodies are whole. Otherwise you look a tit and I look a tit. I suppose those little essay writers in the sixth form will be checking the lead in their pencils, of course, but even they know it is a chicken and egg situation.
Dennis Canon: No doubt dipping their eager goose quills into their ink wells as we speak, Headmaster. They will be vibrating with energy, dipping in and out and producing page after page.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: Well, I don't know - at the moment it looks like the school has been shafted. Humm. Thank you Mr Canon: and I may well be asking you to make our case again. We need possibly to stand up to them, and I don't want you lying down on the job.
Dennis Canon: No, Headmaster, the body of this school always has my full and undivided love and attention, just like my Carolina, something we need to preserve, for she - the school - has enemies.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: Well thank you for your efforts, and may our educational principles go with you.
Dennis Canon: And also with you, Headmaster. Ah, Headmaster, Hank Bates, Master of the Sixth Form is here.
Headmaster Jefferts Schori: It's indeed about those sixth form essayists. Come in Mr. Bates!


Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

Anyone spot my mistake, which needed some creative rewriting?

Brother David said...

The scary thing was that I could hear the Presiding Bishops voice in my head as I read this!