Thursday 11 December 2008

Archbishop-Select says Goodbye

Today, in a momentous speech that had listeners in tears of joy, Bishop Duncan Eyebrows of No Fixed Abode in North America, said goodbye to all his former enemies in The Geographical General Convention Episcopal Church (Anglican Communion) of the United States (GGCECACUSA).

He said, "My friends, God did it." This received instant applause. He went on, "This God, the one I work for, he's full of surprises, my friends. God, is God full of surprises? You bet he is, my friends. See, when he talked to me before, I thought he was going to use me to change the GGCECACUSA. But no he hasn't done that. Nope, my friends, he's going to let that one continue, obviously. How I don't know why, but he had a word with me the other day and said to me, 'Look Duncan, you carry on, the door's that way.'"

The speech rambled on a bit and then he told the assembled crowd, listeners passing around several boxes of tissues to each other, "So here we are, my friends, God did it, starting out our spotty Church, the ACNAEBOY, or Anglican Church of North America Episcopal (Bishops of Yonder), where we can be for and against women priests as we wish, for and against a plain reading of the Thirty-nine Articles as we wish, declare the advancement of the Jerusalem Declaration into all quarters of the globe, and retain those strong traditions we have of biblical literalism and not having anything to do with those men to men unmentionables that keeps us united for the time being."

He went on, "Now, my friends, I am a very important person, and so I asked the Archbishop of Anglicanism to see me for a picnic* or two, and he, being open to every opinion and faction under the sun, said he would. And I said to him, in the spirit of that great Orthodox leader, Nikita Kruschev, 'Recognise us or in fifty years we will bury you.' The Archbishop said in reply, 'There is a process of being accepted into the Anglican Communion and it does take about that long to completion.' He's a good man, as he gave me an application form. I said to him that if we get fed up with too many interviews we won't bother with him any more and I will declare that Anglicans are those who go through the great leader Akky Nolo, not him. The Archbishop said even without recognising us he may still go ahead with his Covenant and put GGCECACUSA into the second division, in the interests, he said, of balance and general stupidity. We must see this coming action as progress, my friends."

"So I would like to thank all my friends, some of you here and a few elsewhere, for making us the first Church of the Jerusalem Declaration, and yes we will want others to join the Fellowship. But most of all I'd like to thank God, in these times when the world under God is becoming more plural and secular, and religion is becoming more factional and fanatical, for letting us follow the way of religion. Anyway, my remaining friends, I'll be Archbishop, so send me my wages, and we'll soon have an Archbishop of the British Isles as well, after they've passed a few resolutions over there to suit them.

The audience gave rapturous applause and promptly headed for the exits.


Mrs Trellis of North Wales has asked how the Right. Rev. Duncan Eyebrows can have a picnic with the Archbishop of Anglicanism in this very cold weather. The report should have made this clearer. PICNIC means Prayers in Church, Negotiations inside Conversation. PICNIC is the new word that is replacing INDABA, on the basis that INDABA has African connotations and PICNIC is English, even colonial.

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