Thursday 14 January 2010

That Pirates' Eucharist Discovered

It was recently asserted by the Archbishop of Anglicanism's Pastoral Visitors to Canada that The Episcopal Church in the United States is sliding into a morass of heresy and liturgical fancy, including such as a Pirates' Liturgy. The discovered (X marked the spot) Pirates' Eucharistic Prayer A (and beyond) is reproduced below. The liturgy is used in caves and churches of TEC along the American coast and in the Caribbean. Reproducing this will prove conclusively that TEC is fully orthodox in its use.

The Pirates' Mass is carried out by a priest (or minister in other Protestant denominations) as Captain in good or dodgy order and with a parrot trained at theological college on his or her shoulder, or alongside should the Parrot be the curate. The proper standing position for the priest is on one leg with a stick on the opposite side; any blessing is carried out in the usual way with the hand, and with the parrot by one wing, but the priest may want to genuflect by bending forwards and raising his or her stick, and the parrot should flap his or her real or stuck on wings at appropriate moments. The Crew includes the Captain and the Parrot.

Note on some terminology. Cosmic Beard or just Beard - God, Sail is Lord. The rest should be obvious. Much terminology remains inherited as sexist but women pirates can say it just as much.

Pirates' Eucharistic Prayer A

Captain: The Sail shall be yours, me shipmates, me hearties!
Crew: And yours indeed too, Cap'n.
Parrot: Let's get on with it, let's get on with it.
Crew: Aye aye, Parrot; aye aye!

Captain: Let's give thanks to the great Sail our Cosmic Beard.
Crew: We raise them up and we stretch, we do.
Parrot: That's what it's all about, what it's all about.
Crew: Aye ay, Parrot; aye aye!

Captain: Aye aye, me shipmates,
It's right all right,
And our duty and our joyousness
Wherever we are, on sea or land,
To give our Cosmic Beard thanks an' all that.
Parrot: White and whiskery, up in them clouds:
Everywhere the ship sails, big an' strong!
Captain: That's right, Parrot:
Going through the Sail, through Gingerbeard himself.

The following may be omitted if there is a proper preface:

For he lives and is the treasure,
An' he was the way the sea and lands were made!
And we look just like Whitebeard up in them clouds.
Parrot: We all do, we all do.
Captain: We all do indeed, including you Parrot.

An', aye, through Gingerbeard, you freed us from the slavery of the authorities.
Born of a woman, how else, and drowned after walking the plank and being chomped by the shark,
And then he appeared again.
Parrot: On Treasure Island.
Captain: And now he's up there on one o' them clouds.

Through Gingerbeard you sent us
All the fighting and drinking and lovin' energy.
Parrot: And made us just like you are.
Captain: He did.

Therefore, with them sea-deities we dream about,
And all them hearties up in the sky,
We proclaim you, Whitebeard,
Forever praising you and singing [saying] along:
Parrot: Sing along now, sing along now! [Speak now, speak now!]

Crew: Holy, Holy. Holy Sail,
Beard of power and mighty,
You're all over the sky and land, you are!
Parrot: Yes you are!
Captain: Aye aye aye aye!
Parrot: Aye aye aye aye!
Crew: Aye aye aye aye aye!

Captain: You can accept our praises, ol' Whitebeard,
Through our Master Gingerbeard,
As we follow his examples and obey his commands...
Parrot: Yes we do.
Captain: An' grant that by the winds of the Bluebeard,
These delivered edible Pieces of Eight and drinkable Rum
May be Gingerbeard's own mind and body parts.

Who in the same night as the Navy was visited,
Took some Pieces of Eight and said, "Thanks Whitebeard."
He gave them around to his shipmates and said,
"Put them in your pockets, these that I'm giving to you,
And remember me."

In the same way, just after that,
He took a tankard and gave you thanks, Whitebeard,
An' full o' Rum he sent it round the table, saying,
"Drink this, and don't anyone not drink this,
And remember me."

Parrot: That's what happened, that's what happened it did.

Captain: Therefore, Ol' Whitebeard,
We do remember Gingerbeard's generosity of himself, like,
Made once walking off the plank,
And being visited by the shark.
We proclaim his mighty reappearance together again,
On Treasure Island.
Parrot: And up he went from there too.
Captain: That he did, Parrot, up into the sky.
An' we look for new a new bountiful sea and that Treasure Island everywhere.
An' with these Pieces of Eight and this Tankard,
We remember Gingerbeard all right.
Parrot: We do, we do.

Crew: Gingerbeard drowned,
Gingerbeard reappeared,
He's gonna come back one day on one big ship.

Captain: So, Whitebeard, accept through our great Gingerbeard,
This our own little walking of thanks and praise;
An' as we eat and rink these treasures,
Under your beautiful cloudy presence,
Renew us by Bluebeard,
Give us lots of love an' that...
Parrot: Without being namby pamby!
Captain: And unite us with Gingerbeard, before he's even back:
Gingerbeard our Great Sail.

Through him, alongside him, and with him,
Through Bluebeard all around as one,
With all yer shipmates up in them clouds,
We do worship you, Ol' Whitebeard
In shanties of everlasting joys and praises.

Crew: Hoo hay up she rises,
Hoo hay up she rises,
Hoo hay up she rises,
Every now and always!

Crew: Ol' Whitebeard up there -
That's the best name we can give 'ee -
Treasures will come,
What thee want done,
On sea and land, like up in them clouds.
Give us loads, every day,
Allow us what we done wrong,
Parrot: As we do or at least should.
Crew: That's right, Parrot.
Stop our eyes bulging,
But take us away from naughty things;
For the cloudy place, the wallop,
And the big tasty are yours.
Parrot only: They are.
Crew: Now and always, they are,
So it be.

Captain: I toss these Pieces of Eight
So we can all have some.
Crew: Though we are many, we are all together
'Cause we all get it more or less at once.

Captain: Plank walker:
You took away the bad things.
Parrot: Glug glug they went.
Crew: Be merciful.

Captain: Plank walker:
You took away the bad things.
Parrot: Glug glug they went.
Crew: Be merciful.

Captain: Plank walker:
You took away the bad things.
Parrot: Glug glug they went.
Crew: Make us goodies inside.

Captain: Me shipmates, me hearties, come to where lies the treasure!
Receive Our Sail Gingerbeard's body and mind
Which he handed over to you
And was bitten by the shark making the red-surfaced sea.
Eat and drink
That all that was for you;
Feed on him, me hearties,
With your faith.
Parrot: And don't forget to pray thanks, don't forget to pray thanks.

After the priest/ minister has unwrapped his chocolate money and eaten it, and given a bit to the parrot, and had a swig, the crew come forward in orderly fashion, unwrap the chocolate money and eat it, and then drink a swig of rum from the tankard. Methodists and some Protestants might like to hand out several little tankards. Sad sorts might like to try grape juice.

Crew: Almighty Righty Beard,
Thanks for the dish
Of the body and mind of Gingerbeard;
An' through him we offer our minds and bodies.
Parrot: We do.
Crew: So now it's time to cast out again into the big wide yonder,
With Bluebeard giving us a push,
To live and plunder
To your praise and glory.
So it be.
Parrot: Amen, Amen indeed.


Paul (A.) said...

I believe that you have discovered Eucharistic Prayer C. Prayer A is here.

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

Looks like a forgeree to me, me shipshape.