Tuesday 2 February 2010

Benny Addresses the Hierarchs

Dear Brother English and Welsh Bishops,

I welcome all of you on your Mini Metro visit to Rome, where we might do a version of The Italian Job and see if we can ride around the sewers and find some old mythical tombs like Peter, Paul and Mary. And thanks to Archbishop Pincher Nickers and let me say hello to him and the faithful rompy rumpy in England and Wales that you rule over while I rule over you.

Your visit to Rome strengthens the bonds between the Catholic community in your country and the Apostolic See, though we are not the Anglicans you know so I don't know how the bonds can get any stronger. We know what hierarchy means even if the Anglicans are trying to catch up (about which more later).

The Catholic Communion, the proper one and not that Anglican imposter, sustained your people's faith up to Henry VIII, when our property was nicked, and through the dark times, until we were legalised, and now they already reckon we do a better job than the imposters.

We have arrived at secular times but the old faithful Catholic religion is still there, with venerations of some bones, opening a coffin alongside the old cardinal's gay lover and finding it empty (so did some disciples steal the body?) and then the Catholic few younger people going on walks.

I am coming down there to take a look for myself, because who knows what has happened to Newman's body? And as for the youngsters, I am a successor to Peter, so I never grow up. I want to encourage all Catholics by praying for them and them praying for me, in a sort of round robin of mutual chatter.

But some of your equality legislation might stop us from discriminating according to our beliefs. It violates natural law: you know what I mean. (Do I have to spell it out? The books in our Catholic Schools aren't called Janet and Janet are they?)

You know what to do, Pastors. Tell them what I think in its entirety and ensure it is convincingly defended. You must articulate the dogmas I insist upon and others should say but don't anymore. Call themselves Christian? Don't make me laugh. No, you don't make me laugh.

And speak with one voice. None of this liberal Catholicism that has crept into Britain. This requires not only you, the Bishops, but also priests, teachers, catechists and writers to check with the bureaucracy before saying anything. But don't worry. Once these Anglican Ordinariates get going, and indeed before, we'll be recruiting some of the kind of Anglicans that make even me look wet behind the ears. We need their kind of zeal. And that Williamson, the holodeck flier - he's British. He is a true faithful and nothing wrong with his dogmatic stance.

Make sure the lay people hand on the faith comprehensively, accurately, and with a keen awareness. Recognise dissent for what it is, and not to mistake it for a mature contribution. Vee vill not have dissent in my time. I didn't become Pope by being wet behind the ears.

Newman (it's a miracle - where is his body?) realised that the magisterium demands one viewpoint, presently mine, and it led him at considerable cost all the way to putting on a cardinal's hat. And don't forget Pope Adrian either, and I don't mean that Pluralist chap either who would not know the truth if it hit him between the eyes. Followers of Francis Newman, John Henry Newman's brother, are dissenters who cannot make a mature contribution to religious faith. And my eyes are set well back.

We need some solid Catholics to operate our latest publicity drive, perhaps people devoted to Cardinal Newman, wherever he has gone.

Now I wish to refer to priests in this year of Anus Sacktheirish. Since the priest plays an irreplaceable role in the life of the Church, and ongoing scandal has meant fewer and fewer priestly vocations, try and emphasise to the faithful the true meaning and necessity of the priesthood and recruit some. Too many of our priests are old and appear to be like Father Jack. Don't make me laugh.

However, I have a punning clan, and you must be generous in implementing the provisions of the Apostolic Constitution Anglicano Decorum Co-habitus. This was my ecumenical initiative to snuff out that clerical imposter, Mr. Rowan Tree, a leading member of that Anglican Protestant ecclesiastical community that stole our property and knocked down Fountains and Bolton Abbey. Perhaps I can take a look during my visit and we can estimate the repair bill when we finally reabsorb the Anglican community. I told him on several visits to present to me a Worldwide Anglican Church, but it all seems to be ending in utter chaos. So I shall ignore him and get these priests for myself, on the cheap, to overcome the shortage we have up and down that barren land, and later take over what is left of that other ruined ecclesiastical community for its restoration into true Catholicism.

With these thoughts, I commend your apostolic ministry to the intercession of Catholics Saint David, Saint George and all the saints and martyrs of England and Wales. May Our Lady of Walsingham (not the Anglican one - a figment of their imagination) pop up and give you a blessing, and I give you mine as well. Please book me a room in that Travelodge at the northern end of the M25 for when I come so I can get about the country more easily in my Popemobile. I think it is about £45 a night. We'd better take out breakdown cover as well, and even if God is above we still need it. And don't forget to put some petrol in: the Holy Spirit still requires petrol to blow us about. Bless you and Travelodge with the peace and joy of Jesus Christ, his appointed successor Peter, who never grew up, and me.

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