Monday 1 February 2010

Latest Bog Roll Essay

The Anglican Communion Covenant: Here Can We Become from There?

The Anglican Committal Institute

The Reverend Canon Professor Crusty Shites,
The Reverend Dr. Head Turner,
The Reverend Dr. A Frame Reader,
Davina McCall, Esq.

There are just so many crossroads and traffic lights in this city, and we have arrived at yet another which demands the longest of essays we can possibly produce. Believe us, or not, we are going for the big job this time. Stand clear of the pens!

The resignation of Bishop Mountaineer Anus from the Standing Urinal Committee of the Worldwide Anglican Commode is a devastating blow out coming so soon after the publication of the toilet roll of the Covenant.

This really is a case of the allegorical shit hitting the proverbial fan.

Clearly the bathroom of the Committee space is just too inappropriate as the place to meet to direct the traffic of the Worldwide Anglican Commode as it comes to crossroads after crossroads.

As the intellectual centre of all this utter crap, we are taking it upon ourselves to tell everyone what is needed, to turn this bathroom into an appropriate wet room suitable for Anglicans everywhere.

Let's put the blame where it lies. The constipation that started all this is firmly in the American body, and don't let the Canadians escape either, though we might want to hang on to them. In writing loads and loads, we are providing the diarrhoea that will shift the problem. We seek first to outline the current structural challenges to the Covenantal Colonic Blockage (CCB) regarding initial implementation. This will involve some important, if technical, analysis that only we can go on and on about. Only then, however, can we make clear what, in our minds, are these necessary steps for poking our pens, and really we ought to be grateful to Mountaineer Anus for pointing the way.

But we can do an abstract summary of this our most important bog roll yet that can spin and send its paper pieces across the bathroom floor that we seek to become a wet room.

1. The bathroom just isn't big enough. The current ACC led Standing Urinal Committee is undermining this. We need to knock a wall out and use an existing bedroom, in particular the one where all these gay American Anglicans are playing Bobby Shaftoe.

2. The people using the urinals now are not necessarily those who should be using the urinals or cubicles when it comes to standing up or sitting down for the Anglican Commode. Indeed the Committee ought to be a different Committee, even if consisting of many of the same people on the job.

3. Let's face it: the current Committee set-up is a bit of a piss-take when it comes to being a Committee. It hardly has the authority to tinkle anywhere. It cannot claim the place it has, and ought to stand back. We need to aim further in what we do - and, of course, we always aim to please.

4. As soon as people want to spend a penny, they should be represented by a different and new Sitting Committee of the Commode, and thus moving from the urinals to the available cubicles in more secrecy. Then those in charge of the Anglican Commode as a whole can do the job of shifting the folks out of the bedroom alongside, being the whole purpose of this endless verbosity.

The Strain Upraise for the Covenant's Adoption

We begin...


susan s. said...

I read this last night and also today. . . You do have a way with words, Sir!!!

Ann said...

I am against the Covenant but find the changing Abp Anis' name - beyond the bounds. Respect in disagreement is better than bathroom humor(?) IMO
But since you are no longer an Anglican why do you care (as I also ask Baby Blue et all)

June Butler said...

I'm glad that I didn't read the post last night, or I may have stayed awake laughing for quite a while. Yours is, no doubt, the most trenchant commentary around.

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

It's called satire, and the name invention is because of the obsession with all this within Anglicanism. The essays produced by this small self-important group remind me of toilet paper when it spins and dumps itself over the bathroom floor - I was always told, if you cannot write succinctly then you cannot do it, whereas this group interpret importance as going on and on.

Why bother: because it is partly the reason I'm gone, because it is unfinished business, because locally I still retain a contact by evening attendance and weekdays, and because the Archbishop of Canterbury and those who follow him around are destroying a Church through their bureaucratic obsessions.

Ann said...

Using Anus for Anis - is not satire - it is crude playground name calling.

penwatch said...

A satirical approach is the only way to comment about the antics of Archbishop Anis etc - he's an Archbishop for God's sake surely he knows better than to resign an important position in what looks like a huff.

Pluralist is right to be satirical - if you don't laugh - you'll weep!

Pluralist (Adrian Worsfold) said...

Don't be so precious. If you read the piece, it is all about bathrooms and what happens in them. So the use of Anus is appropriate as is Revd. Dr. Crusty Shite. And, in any case, all these characters are fictionalised, as they are when written in this way on other occasions. There is an alternative universe being written, but one by story that parallels the obsessions of current Anglican bureaucracy.

Ann said...

I read the piece -- you have your opinion. I have mine. I usually find your posting funny and biting.