Saturday 5 February 2011

In Kilvert's Diary

Faithfully recorded in Kilvert's Diary, a Mr. Venables told Reverend Kilvert this week that the Dublin Pirates represent the bed shop of Anglicanism.

"They taken over thee minority of Anglicanism," said the ice creams seller, in a thick English accent, unusual for Wales and selling the Southern Cone, as they stood in Bedland, 'The Nuttiest Place in Wales to Buy Your Bed'.

"See this is a double bed, and this am a couple o' single beds," he pointed out, "an' yer Anglicans now is in a couple o' single beds with lats a' memory foam."

In other words Mr. Venables was alluding to the issues imprinted on the beds, where on to one single bed jumped those who stayed some nights in Dublin, and then there is another single bed on to which crammed Anglicans from Uganda, Rwanda, West Africa, Nigeria, Tanzania, Kenya, and the Southern Cone.

"Nah, in the pas'," he said, "We bought the single beds when we didden agree like, and just 'ad 'em; buh then we pu' a little table in between." He went on that then a wardrobe was put in between the two beds, soon a dressing table as well, and: "the fac' is that soon these beds could be in differen' rooms. Lots a memory foam like, but differen' rooms."

Here's a dilemma, as he pointed out: one single bed had on it two thirds of the representatives at this level of Anglicans, but the other single bed had representatives of two thirds of Anglicans.

"Tha's a lodda Anglicans for a lidl bed," said the ice cream seller, as he realised where he needed to be to do his shopping.

"An', frankly," he said, "If we move aht into separate rooms, it'll because Dublin made it all worse, like in Egypt, in de Nile, an' ass kept the lack of truss which every day gets worse like my backache from selling them ice creams every day."

Asked about his backache, Mr. Venables told Rev. Kilvert that he was trying to relax more. "Ah been doin' more reading, like ah been reading Animal Farm, where in the new regime some Pirates are more equal than others."

"Ah suppose if ah were to be on the new Swashbuckling Committee, I'd get more back ache - but we 'aff arr own Swashbucklers Council and we knows perfectly well how to issues instructions," he said, asking, "Nah will you wants a Ninety-nine, a Thirty-nine arra bunch ah fives?"

At this point the in-store radio started playing a song by Jefferson Starship, causing Mr. Venables to rush outside back to his ice cream van. Rev. Kilvert heard lyrics to the extent of:

Wonderful meetings
Filled with grace,
Challenging talk
At a leisurely pace.

It was all one table
With empty chairs;
Do come back though,
As everyone cares.

If you are Anglican,
You should come back again;
If you have a Church,
Don't leave your people in the lurch:
Get some bread and spread some butter -
Come next time and have a natter.

But no sweat,
Stay leisurely as has been;
No need to rush,
As we meet next Twenty Thirteen.

Rev. Kilvert found the music not to his taste and left Bedland showroom still thinking whether he ought to buy himself a new bed without the expense of memory foam. Mr. Venables had driven off already.

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